got my hopes up

ok, so this super young guy gets interested in me. i get interested in him. we met thru a friend. i had them over for a small gathering with some of my other friends. he asked me if i wanted to get together after the weekend since i was going out of town the next day. i was all about it. we texted a couple of times that night and the next day. i was sweet but a touch distant in my texts. i didn't want to appear too eager. come monday, i don't hear from him. i email him early that evening. nothing so far.

maybe he is waiting til saturday. he texted something about joining a game with him and his friends. maybe he did call me but just didn't leave a message and since my phone was off i wouldn't know he called. maybe he just got really stoned. maybe he met some other girl. maybe he realized i was lame. maybe our mutual friend told him something that made him think twice. maybe he thinks i don't like him. i don't fucking know. it's like i told a friend of mine struggling with the same sort of boy issues... you have no way of thinking of every single possibility there is, therefore there is a chance that the right answer is unknown, therefore do not try to guess, do not assume. just wait and/or try to contact them. well, this is what i'm doing. i am also reminding myself that i have feelings of trepidation about this anyway. 1) huge age difference. 2) weight issue. 3) std issue. 4) self-image issue. 5) jealousy issue. 6) money issue.

however, every time i see a picture of this guy, he looks soooo good. also, he's extremely smart and exactly my type as far as hair and eyes. also, he's talented. if he has a huge cock, then i'll be really sad to have to let him slip thru the cracks, because then he'd be just perfect, wouldn't he? i just don't have it in me to play these games right now. i don't need or want everything spelled out in stone, but i also am not strong enough to deal with rejection. no. not going to do it. not going to throw myself at this guy hoping i can kiss his ass just the way he likes it. not going to pretend to be something i'm not. furthermore, i need to remind myself that i don't even really know him. maybe he's not all that. maybe it's better to hang onto him as a friend rather than a lover. maybe he'll come in real handy one day when i need a laborer... or something.

the good to come out of all this no matter what is: for the first time in a loooong time, i felt feelings similar to what i felt for ____. i found someone better looking the more he spoke. i found myself feeling engaged in conversation right away. i was asked for my # by someone i liked and then actually called. there is hope... just not a shit load.

no change

aaaaaah, so he's a sociopath. ok. that means no hoping, no wishing, no thinking... it just is. incurable. or... it's not black and white... however, for sure it's not 50/50. error on the side of he's sick as fuck.

i want this to stop

i'm having a hard time. ok, so i found out for sure my ex cheated on me over and over. seriously, i feel like i should feel like a complete loser... like i should be ashamed of letting him fool me, of going along with all the mistreatment, of being so obvilious. however, in a way i just don't. it occured to me that they (my ex and the one of the women he fucked that knew me) are the ones that are idiots. they are the ones that made sick decisions. i did too. i suppose... ah, whatever. what's really bothering me is that i want him more than ever. i can't stop thinking about how he is the most beautiful man i ever met and how i am still in love with him. i can't stop thinking about whether he wants me now that we talked. i can't stop wondering if he wants _______ back or if i am no better to him than any other ex now. i know that is the case. i know he was never in love with me, he just WANTED to be in love with me... oh wait, maybe it's something in between. i wasn't in love with ___, but then again i left him. wait. maybe ____ would have left if not for not being able to afford it. sure enough, he did leave eventually. christ. i wish i knew if he really loved me and if he could love me again. if he loves me still. he must not... he was able to leave me once before, he was able to sleep with other women. he actually carried on other relationships. he must have NO respect for me at ALL. just like me for ___. the only way we could have a relationship at all is if i do not allowone little bit of bull from him/ possible? my fear is the only tway that is possible is if we have NO CONTACT AT ALL! that is the LAST THING i want. i'm so damned. i wish i can find someone to help me forget, forget, forget, forget, forget. it will be nice to be out east in a couple of months. i wish i were skinnier. i wish i wasn't so boring and ugly. i wish ____ loved me. i want nothing more in this life at this moment than to be in his arms. it's killing me. i want to die rather than feel his rejection again. i wish i were dead right now rather than feel this longing and shame.

i can't believe he doesn't hate me!

ah thank god! i emailed ____ and not only did he email back but he actually used the picture i sent (reason for the email) for his profile pic. it was the most i could have hoped for! i was expecting more of the same as far as him completely ignoring me.

ah, so relieved. i know i shouldn't be so hung up on what he thinks of me, but how could i not? i spent so long with him, i spent a ton on energy on him, a lot of investment inside and out. i'm glad to know that i can move on and have something like that with someone else one day, but at the same time i will NEVER have some of the joy he and i shared with anyone ever again. it would be one thing if he were dead and therefore that is why there could never be a connection again, but the way things have been, there was always the possibility of running into him and he HATING me... at least this way i know he and i can be civil and salvage what decent memories we share without ignoring them because of all the horrible things we did to one another.

i just couldn't accept that it all had to be canceled out. also, i fucking MISS him! now this doesn't mean i'm all about trying to have coffee with him anytime soon (if ever), but to know that he has a moment or two where he remembers something fondly relating to me is enough to help me accept the loss that has occurred. i still need to write some more about this... shift it around in my head to clearly and concisely figure out my perspective on this unexpected change, but for now i feel a cloud that has been sticking around ominous and dark gray is now moving slowly in the opposite direction of where it is i need to go.

in no way am i excited by this because of what it means re: reconnecting with him. no no. i am a million miles away from being able to deal with him having romantic or sexual relationships with other people. i am still intimidated by most of the kinds of people he surrounds himself with.

i still want him in the deepest part of my soul even though my brain is not down for something that insane. i know he used me, but i also suspect he did feel strongly for me. the thing is: i could never feel comfortable or safe with him as a friend much less as a lover or partner, because i doubt there is a way that he could ever prove to me that i was more important than other women in his life from the past, present, or future. 2 reasons: 1- because that never was the case and never would be. as much as he ever has or will care for me, it is not more than he did for certain exes, women he will know in the future, and probably women he knows now. 2- even if that weren't the case, i don't think i will ever think someone as smart and funny and hot as he is would ever put me first because my own father never did. i do not hold myself in high enough esteem to believe someone else could. it is very possible i will never fall in love again now that i realize this. if i can't fall in love with someone with a clean slate, i certainly couldn't revert back to trying to trust ____ after all the damage done. he has shown himself unable to apologize thoroughly. what he considers redundant i consider incomplete.

argh.... point is, i'm glad he doesn't hate me, i'm glad it's possible we can run into each other one day and not have a scene or me throw up or have a panic attack, and i'm glad he used the picture i sent.

jealousy and bulimia

argh. ok, so first i get a text from one of my friends. she and the other friend we were out with last night both ended up at an after party at the band's house after the show. the show i left early because i was tired and cranky and sad and pissed. yeah, i could have stayed and tried to have a good time since i love the music, but no, i needed to get sooooo drunk the night before that i was ashamed and exhausted to the point that i couldn't even dance, much less socialize with cool, friendly people.

it was bad enough that i threw myself at a white-trash kid the night before only to get blown off, but here i was the next night and in yet another situation where i'm hoping i can get laid or fall in love or do any-fucking-thing in between knowing that odds are NOTHING'S HAPPENING. then a whole slew of annoyances followed one another...

who else is there but my semi-ex friend ______ and her better-than-fiction boyfriend _____. i couldn't stand seeing them together. i couldn't stand catching a glimpse of a cute boy out of the corner of my eye and realizing it was _____ over and over. i couldn't stand feeling like i had to be nice to ______ when really i am so fucking pissed at her and so jealous and so disgusted with the fact that she used me, hurt me, and reminds me of how pathetic i was when ____ and i were together and how pathetic i am now that we're not. also, a decent boy DID talk to me, and i wanted to flirt with him, but i had no idea how to go about it without being an old, desperate lady and being obtuse. i tried to be cool about it, and next thing i know, he's gone. really gone. like, so gone maybe i should have given him more to go on. AND to top it all off, _____ called me earlier in the night to hang out after i thought i had shook him loose. i tried to drop hints as heavy as anchors, but he dodged every one. i had to raise and shake my voice and tell him i was feeling uncomfortable. he was maneuvering around every reason i had for not going straight to his house and picking him up and spending the whole night attached at the hip with him. i had to be blunt with him so then i spent the rest of the night feeling guilty for rejecting this nice guy i wanted to want but ditched instead.

yeah, so that was my day last night. shitty in itself, and that was on top of the usual missing ____ and feeling inadequate in the shadow of all that is his life then and now. then the text today that i missed an opportunity to meet amazing people (which is one of my main goals lately) and then i happen upon a picture of the cozy couple from last night on facebook and they are SO FUCKING IN LOVE AND HAPPY! so i'm so frustrated and so jealous. jealous of the people i should be happy for. jealous when it's a totally wasted emotion and damaging and hurtful to myself more than anyone. meanwhile, i just ate even though it's super late and i'm super fucking fatter than i want to be. i finished the two-helping dinner i made earlier tonight instead of saving half for tomorrow. so i threw up the second helping. rarely a day goes by when i don't throw up. last night i stopped for fast food on the way to the show because i wasn't very hungry while i was home when i could have made something relatively healthy... so i threw that up when i got to the bar. i had to hold the bathroom stall door because the latch was broken and still aim for the toilet and still try to be as quiet as i could so the other girls in there didn't know i was heaving, all the while trying to not get it in my hair that i couldn't hold back because the fucking latch was a god-damned piece of shit!!!! i fucking hate how fucking lame i am. i fucking hate it.

by the way... still ugly. still old and fat. fuck. i'll be making an appt for a dermatologist and also a personal trainer asap. hopefully that will help. that in addition to doing something with my life of course. incidentally, i really like the way throwing up feels sometimes. it's like taking a great shit... there's a physical pleasure in it. i probably wouldn't feel like this if i was getting laid. it's so sickening to think of ___ having sex and looking into so-and-so's eyes and coming all over (or in) whomever when i'm all alone and disgusting and wasting away getting fatter and uglier and stupider. fuck.