extensive

right now i'm spending all my money on going to see ____ and travel out east. i'm all about breaking even, but really i'm trying to get ahead. if i can't get ahead from making money at the shows, i need to find ways to cut expenses and make more money while i'm home. the reason being, i need to get out of the hole i'm in debt wise, otherwise i'm trapped in my job. if not this job i have currently, then another job. any job is a trap. i need to travel. i need to create. i need to not have a routine. it's killing my soul.

once i get out of immediate debt and out of default on my major loan, then i have options. my main goal is to travel extensively abroad. either many places all over the globe, or extended stays in remote places. ways i can do this are: save up, peace corps, teach english. it's not very important to me to have children or fall in love if instead not doing so allows me the freedom to see this world before i leave it forever. i have people in my life that i love, and anyone that would enter from this point on wouldn't be very much different from anyone i've already experienced. therefore, more loved ones would mean risking missing out on new experiences and happiness in return for redundancy.

on the other hand, there is a chance that a new loved one may blow away any relationship i've ever had before, and would be worth sacrificing the possibility of extensive travel. however, i find it unlikely that i would meet such a person while i toil away at my job while my soul leaks steadily down the drain.

want

MORE FRIENDS
BETTER JOB
CAR
NEW BIKE
MORE VISITS WITH FAMILY
MORE CONCERTS
NATIONAL PARK VISITS
EXTENDED TRAVEL ABROAD
OUT OF DEFAULT
IMMEDIATE CCS PAID OFF
BETTER SKIN
BETTER SHAPE
BETTER WARDROBE
LESS ANXIETY
MORE CONFIDENCE
BETTER COMMUTE
READ MORE OFTEN
CHESS PARTNER
PAINT THE WHOLE HOUSE
CLEAR OUT THE BACKYARD
CATCH UP WITH OWED PROJECTS
BACK IN SCHOOL
GREAT HAIRCUT/DRESSER

days

I AM FINDING MYSELF UPSET AT THE IDEA OF _______ NOT GETTING BACK TO ME. IGNORING ME. DONE WITH ME. BUT I WASN'T THAT INTO HIM!!! I AM FALLING INTO THIS IDEALIZATION, AND I'M FALLING INTO THIS PIT WHERE I PRETEND TO MYSELF I WILL FEEL SAFE AND COMFORTABLE AND LOVED IF I CAN SUSTAIN HIS ATTENTION. BUT THE THING IS, IF HE WERE TO SPLIT, THAT LEAVES OPEN THE POSSIBILITY OF SOMEONE I REALLY AM INTO. _______ IS PRETTY GREAT, BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN FACTORS THAT ARE LACKING. AND HERE I AM A WEEK INTO THIS GETTING ALL RILED UP! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I SHOULDN'T BE DOING MORE THAN GOING ON DATES.

ANYWAY, I COULD BE PRETTY WRONG ABOUT THIS WORST CASE SCENARIO IN MY HEAD, SO IT'S BEST TO WORK ON BEING OK NOT SEEING OR HEARING FROM ONE ANOTHER FOR DAYS AND DAYS IN A ROW. I REALLY NEED TO STRENGTHEN THAT. IT IS EXACTLY WHAT GOT ME ALL FREAKED OUT WHILE I WAS WITH ____.

resources

I CAN'T STOP THINKING THAT AT EVERY MOMENT, I AM BEING ABANDONED. WHEN I DON'T HEAR FROM A FRIEND, I ASSUME THEY ARE DONE WITH ME. EVEN MORE SO WHEN IT COMES TO A GUY. I COULD HAVE SPENT A GREAT DAY AND NIGHT WITH A GUY, HAVING A LOT OF FUN, AND HE HAVING FUN TOO. THEN I THINK OF ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD HAVE CROSSED HIS MIND SINCE THEN AND ALL THE REASONS WHY HE WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE ME EVER AGAIN. THEN I WONDER HOW I WILL EVER HAVE A FRIENDSHIP THAT WILL BE DEPENDABLE AND LASTING, OR IF I AM DUE TO GO FROM ONE FRIEND TO ANOTHER, ONE MAN TO ANOTHER, UNTIL I GET OLDER AND LESS AND LESS OF VALUE TO OTHERS, UNTIL I AM ALL ALONE AND POOR AND HOPELESS, AND TOO COWARDLY TO COMMIT SUICIDE. AND I THINK, IF I'M DOOMED TO END UP LIKE THAT ONE DAY, WHY AM I EVEN HERE NOW? ANY ENJOYMENT I EXPERIENCE IS FLEETING AND IF ANYTHING, JUST MAGNIFYING IT'S LOSS ONCE IT IS GONE. IT MAKES ME WISH I WAS ALL RIGHT WITH JUST READING AND SEWING, READING AND SEWING... BUT I'M NOT. IF GOTTEN A TASTE FOR HUMANS. I'VE TASTED THEM AND NOW I'M HOOKED ON THAT CRAVING FOR THEIR COMPANIONSHIP, FOR THEIR MIRRORS AND THEIR TREATS. FOR THE RUSH OF BEING LIKE, WANTED, ADMIRED. I WISH I DIDN'T WANT IT. I WISH I WASN'T SO WEAK TO HAVE GIVEN INTO NEEDING PEOPLE. I WANT TO BE ALONE, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES WITHIN.

swamp

DON'T WORRY. EVERYTHING IS FINE. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, NOTHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG. WHEN YOU FEEL PAIN, IT IS FLEETING, PASSING. THOSE FEELINGS FELT ARE ONLY MOMENTS. OVERALL YOU ARE OK. YOU HAVE YOUR SOUL, YOUR STRENGTH. YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS, AND YOU ARE NOT STRAYING INTO BLEAK, UNCHARTED WATERS. YOU ARE IN A WONDROUS SWAMP, AND YOU ARE ON A WELL WORN PATH. THE SURROUNDINGS AND CANOPY ARE AS BEAUTIFUL AS THEY ARE DAUNTING. AS LONG AS YOU CONTINUE TO REVERE IT'S POWER AND SCALE, YOU WILL BE CARRIED ALONG AND SURE TO REACH IT'S REWARDING CLEARINGS AND TRIBUTARIES. THERE IS BLUE SKY EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER TO LOOK BETWEEN THE VINES AND BRANCHES AND NOT ONLY INTO THE DARK BARK AND CAVERNOUS BOTTOM DWELLINGS WHERE THE AQUATIC, UNFAMILIAR CREATURES LIVE AND THRIVE. YOUR PLACE IS AMONG THE FRESH, CLEAN AIR... AMONG THE TOWERING PILLARS REACHING TO THE TOP OF THE SKY ITSELF. YOU CAN GO THERE TOO.

damned

as soon as i have sex with the guy, i know there isn't a spark. the next morning, i just want to be alone so i can sleep in peace, i can't stand the thought of cuddling. i really like this guy, but i'm not feeling more for him than friendship.

he doesn't call me and i don't think a thing of it. i know his birthday is in a couple of days, and i'm glad he took the hints i was dropping and didn't put either of us in the position where i would have to say no if he were to invite me out with him and his friends.

his birthday comes and i start to feel bad. 'should i have hinted he should invite me?' i thought. 'maybe he didn't want me there... it's not as if he for sure is missing me wishing i were there...'

now i want him to know it's up to him. i don't know what the hell i'm doing or what i really want. maybe he can be patient enough to put up with me until i see what's right, and maybe he already knows what that is. i call and leave a message.

a half hour goes by. and then another hour. and then the whole night. i cried softly to myself in my bed waiting for sleep. i fuck up no matter what i do. i'm doomed. good for no one, interested in no one. alone forever.

next day now... if he never calls me again it's best for him. i'm no good. i wouldn't be nice enough to him. i'm not a good enough person for a real relationship. all i really can handle is what it takes to remain distracted from the hell we live in for a few hours at a time.

home-wreckers

i am freaked out whenever i see that bitch that is being hailed as most admired, feminist icon... she stole a man from another woman. at least, that's how it seems to me. i know that the man choose her. what i'm upset about is this... plain and simple jealousy. the man that leaves one woman for another is only doing what is best for him, which is what anyone should do. if there is lying involved, that is a separate matter. if the man was honest the whole time, then it's ok. if he lied and left the person he lied to hurt and alone, and is now happy with someone he likes better, god how that hurts!!! why does he deserve that? unless of course there is something the original woman did to deserve such hurt. does kidding and fooling one's self count? probably.

when _______ cheated on me and lied to me there were enough factors before hand that i should have dealt with. if i had, i would have averted certain disaster:

he wasn't answering my calls. he wasn't acting like he liked me. he wasn't into having sex with me. these were all behaviors that cropped up all of a sudden, totally different than before that trip where he met her. i asked him about it and he told me 'he was tired'. i shouldn't have believed him. when the day of the show came up and he didn't answer his phone, i should have prepared myself for finding out some horrible truth. i could have handled it differently. it all goes back to not having gotten reliant on him for emotional support. he was 9 years younger than me and all we did was get high and drunk. he was not someone i was interested in the first few months of dating, yet i settled on him later on because my real interest had moved away. i should have remained single and open to dating other people.

when i met ____ he put up dozens of warning flags, and i ignored them all, thinking i could change his mind. i was so afraid that if i did anything other than coddle him, he's disappear. that was true, but what i should have been more concerned with was that if i started out coddling him, he would always come to expect it and that he would take more and more advantage of me over time. i was wrong to think he would appreciate my generosity. instead he resented me for luring him into feelings of obligation. when i broke up with him after i realized he was carrying on with that cunt, i should have remained away. instead, i was already too deep after putting up with a dozen times prior over that first year when it was obvious he was lying about his feelings for other women. i allowed a disgusting excuse for an adult man into my realm and relied on him for feelings of trust, safety, and belonging. non of that would have happened if i hadn't allowed that other fucker _______ from convincing me to adore him through sheer persistence rather than attraction and admiration.

now here i am finally ready to begin dating again. i am sooooooo weary, so cautious. i cannot stand hurting or being hurt. i cannot stand the bullshit, the selfishness, the illusions. i cannot stand having to see my worst image reflected in those who need to feel better about themselves via using others. i cannot sleep at night if i become one of those people.

good person

ok, so i finally hooked up with someone. first time since my ex, first time in 4 months. that is twice as long as the last time i went that long without sex while not being in a (long-distance) relationship. i didn't feel much of anything. it was fun, but i'm not feeling anything more for this guy than friendship. i wanted him gone in the morning, because i knew he liked me. i just wanted sex. god, i feel like an asshole. i shouldn't had lead him on like that.

anyway, now i have the feeling that i hurt him and he doesn't want to talk to me again. what is really bothering me about all of this is this is reminding me of how ____ treated me. but this is after 2 dates, not 2 years. i fucking hate him.

anyway, no more hooking up with guys that really like me unless i really like them. no more dates after that moment i realize i will never feel a spark. i am the kind of person that will not do the right thing by a person if i do not feel a spark. i will keep my options open and split at the first sign of a potential spark. fuck. honesty is the only way through all this. and not just telling the other person what is up, because they can and will lie to themselves. it means avoiding them for their own good. otherwise they set themselves up. that is what i did with ___ and he knocked me over (and would have knocked me up). i will not do that to another. i am a good person.

no, not this

argh......... i am so stuck. i'm so unhappy with how things are. i hate this crap i read and hear about loving what you have instead of pining for what you don't. fuck that. i want what i want and i don't want to give up on it. shit, if i am settling for what is, how would i ever get to higher heights? who ever would? as much as i am grateful for those who i grew up with that are still by my side, i do not want to merely stay there and never venture out and try to suceed in more and more.

i know i'm being vauge. i hate being mean. i hate thinking that those i love and care enough are not good enough for me. shit. i thought i felt like writing, but really all i want to do is sleep.........

rejected. whatever.

i went online and found an ad. a personal ad. i cringe as i write this. the same day i was waiting for an answer and getting all excited about the possiblities of the cutest guy out of the ads i saw responding to me, i saw my arch enemy cunt bitch asshole riding beside my bus on her bike with a smile on her lips and her beautiful hair blowing in the breeze. god i fucking hate her. i hate that my ex liked me because i reminded him of her, i hate how she tried to get him back right in front of me. more than once! and i didn't just walk away. i gave him the benefit of the doubt instead of making him prove to me he wanted me and not her. know why? i was afraid of the answer.

now here i am on the bus, barely maintaining my control over sliding hopelessly into oblivion, and that fucking bitch rides by while i don't have a decent bike, much less a car (like she probably does).

i know there are millions of people out there, and she is one of many, but ____ was the man i wanted, the one i wrapped myself up in, and she was the main fucking problem the whole entire time. she was the root of the gigantic weed that sprouted from day one. it grew branches and spit out leaves and sticky, gross flowers that looked like ugly insects. it was poisonious and in my way. it fucked up my whole yard and cracked my cement foundation. fucking cunt. i fucking hate her. i fucking hate what my ex did. i fucking hate that i haven't yet gotten past this.

it is about time that i find a better man, a better goal, a better life. fuck those assholes that kicked me while i was down. i hope they get the same 10 times over from someone they care about that then dumps them after they've been used and abused. they are shit.

oh yeah. the ad... he responded. seemed to really like me. i sent him pictures. no answer yet. funny. if he doesn't respond at all, i was rejected based on my looks, not my personality. and he's not that great. just the best of the fuck ups posting online.

my other involvment (if you can call it that) is a guy that i am 75% older than that reminds me of the ex that i used and lied to. god.

hi, it's me, i'm back

lots and lots and lots going on. i feel better than i have in years. i still feel pretty low often, so i'm not all better, no sir.

i took a trip cross-country and caught some concerts and spent time with my family and drove for many miles and it was fucking fantastic. freedom from so much that had been weighing me down. i didn't have to commute on the mother-fucking bus watching the same bullshit denizens in the same bullshit neighborhoods walking past the same bullshit stores and restuarants. i didn't have to make the daily trek to the neighborhood down the street from where my cock-sucking ex-boyfriend lives and now fucks someone new and improved. i didn't have to see the same faces at work and at home and at the bar that i have been staring at for the past way-too-many years. i didn't have take anything into consideration regarding what the hell to wear on what day other than the weather and my own mother-fucking preference.

i spent time with people who accepted me as i was, without judgment, resentment, or condition. i didn't worry about who i was with or what i was doing, because i needed no justification... it was where i wanted to be and there was no where else i would have choosen at that moment. i had spending money, tasty food, the means of transport, a drink whenever i wanted, and the hillsides and interstates to sooth and inspire me.

anyway, now i'm back in my pit, but it doens't seem so deep anymore. some sludge must have seeped in and hardened, allowing me closer access to the top and more of a chance at getting the hell out of here. in fact, i have a fairly amazing idea for a totally new direction. i'm keeping it under wraps for now, but just having this possibility in my head is making all the inane, annoying, insulting, and derogatory behavior of those around me a bit more tolerable.