unknown

it's been a couple of times now that i've gotten a phone call from 'unknown'. there was one last wed and now another this morning. of course, it's probably something annoying like a bill collector or a telemarketer, but maaaaaaaaaaybe it's from a man. a man i want.

there are two men that i've really been in love with. only two men that i miss and wish there was a way to be with them again. they are both blue eyed and blond. they are both insecure to the point of being an asshole. they both have an inflated ego and are lightning quick to pass judgements and compare how great they want you to perceive they are to how lame someone else is. the one guy is, or at least was, a raging alcoholic, and the other also has mad addicitons. they both like to get lost in fantasy gaming and novels, and they both won't talk to me.

i don't know which of them i hope it is, assuming it is one of them. again, odds are it's nothing, but i smiled when i saw that missed call on my phone. 'maybe it was _______, or maybe it was ____.' i miss them both. the more recent one in my life, i am leaning towards hoping it's him only because my longing for him is fresher, and i'm not used to it yet. the other guy has been gone quite a while, but i did love him first. i know that the more recent ex will one day be ok with talking again if i were to want that. the other guy, not sure that he would. he lives way far away anyway. but i still think of him. i know it's sick to want to communicate with him again. we abused each other like crazy! our relationship was the definition of self-destructive and unhealthy. at least this more recent guy and i at least tried to be 'normal' and not regress to old patterns of behavior and abuse.

no matter..... what i really want is to forget about both of them and meet a new blue eyed blond. but this one has to be a good person. has to be striving towards kindness to those who deserve it. and he has to be an asshole the rest of the time to the idiots. that turns me on.

i am so lonely

oh, i miss you. i miss you. i am so lonely. i was talking to an old friend earlier tonight on the phone. it was a call with a purpose. practical. it wasn't just to talk. he was half there, busy being distracted by others around him. i remembered feeling that way a million times while out with old friends like him. distracted by everyone else in the room. i'd have their attention for a few moments, and then it would wane.

yours never did though. i had you all to myself for so long, so often. when i needed to get used to sharing you, i couldn't because i was afraid i would lose you completely. and then i did.

i am so lonely. i know it's better we are apart because what we had was unhealthy, co-dependent. i know you were using me, biding your time. at no point were you convinced i was the one. i knew it then, but i was in denial. i know it now, and it cripples me. i loved you so much. i know i can find someone else one day to feel that way about. and next time it's more likely it won't be harmful in the long run. but i want to scream your name. i want to stand in the middle of the busiest road in town and announce how much i love you and miss you and how consumed i am by wishing you were still here with me.

i know you're probably with her now. cuddling, talking. and later you'll stare in her eyes as you sink into her just like you used to stare at me. i do hold out hope that you still have moments where you miss me. where you regret how things turned out. but mostly i remind myself that you are really good at justifications and remembering only what makes your present easier. i on the other hand am literally haunted by ghosts taunting me. memories won't leave me alone... good or bad. i want you out of my head. i want new people in my life. i'm so afraid to leave my house though. i am so ashamed of who i am. but you know that. you saw that. you left that.

think about

THINK ABOUT THAT GUY WITH THE MONEY, WITH THE LOOKS, WITH THE AMAZING PLACE IN the best neighborhood in town, WITH THE HOT GIRLFRIEND HE'S IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITH. THE GUY WITH THE COKE, HIS OWN BUSINESS, An upper middle class UPBRINGING, COLLEGE DEGREE, AND TRIPS WHEN HE WANTS. AND THEN THINK ABOUT HOW SAD HE WAS WHEN HE TRIED TO CONNECT WITH YOU BECAUSE ALL HIS LIFE IS FULL OF IS 20 YEAR OLDS AND PARTIES. AND REMEMBER HOW YOU JUST WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM BECAUSE YOU HAD HEARD IT ALL BEFORE AND IT WAS NOTHING NEW.

THINK ABOUT THAT GUY WHO BRAVELY TALKED TO YOU AT THE BAR WHILE YOU WERE SITTING ALL ALONE, AND HOW MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE AND CONFIDENT HE BECAME, ALMOST EXPONETIALLY, THE MORE YOU BOTH CONVERSED. REMEMBER HOW OBVIOUS IT WAS THAT HE WAS AT HIS VERY CORE TOO SHY, TOO UNSURE OF HIMSELF, WOULD NEVER HAVE AN INNER STRENGTH, AND WOULD ALWAYS BE SOMEONE who WOULD BE EMBARRASED IF HE DIDN'T DO ENOUGH FOR YOU OR IN EXACTLY THE WAY YOU WANTED IT. THINK ABOUT HOW YOU KNEW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT YOU WERE 100% DONE WITH HIM AND THAT NOTHING WAS SALVAGABLE BECAUSE YOU HAD BEEN THAT PERSON, ALREADY HAD THAT IN YOU, AND THAT WAS SOMEONE THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE AGAIN AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH.

KNOW THAT EVEN THE MILDEST FLIRTATION on your behalf over the course of only one week WAS MET BY A STRING OF MEN WITH EXUBERENCE AND EXCITEMENT AND A PUPPY DOG KIND OF HOPE IN THEIR EAGER EYES. REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE FELT THAT, BEEN THERE, WILL EXPERIENCE THAT AGAIN, BUT NEVER again WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN A STRAIGHT-FORWARD, CREATIVE, KIND AND STRONG SOUL WHO STRIVES TO CORRECTS HIS WRONGS NOT JUST OCCASIONALLY, BUT DAILY.

steps

ok, so i am constantly sick. my anxiety is out of control. i really threw every ounce of myself into another person. before that, i threw myself into a transitory scene. before that, i threw myself into drugs. now i find myself with very little to hold onto because each of those entities threw me out on my ass. of course i made the mistake of trying to meld with something that was sure to be unreliable. i fooled myself each of those things were enough to sustain me. thing was, i knew they weren't on some level, so i would just convince myself something else would come along or something would change. for instance, i thought that if i kept at it with school, it would be there for me to fall back on when my 'scene' dissolved. but i never committed myself to school enough so when i needed it, it wasn't there for me. so then i went back into the drugs and entertained the idea that i would travel abroad. of course, it was a dream that i never worked towards. i just let my thoughts of my future turn there when the the drugs weren't able to distract me from the fact that my scene and my schooling were no longer in my life, and i had nothing to hold onto. no man at that time either. oh, but when one did come along, i forgot all about my desire to go abroad, and threw myself into working day and night to get him to fall in love with me. that would be all i needed, i thought. i told him and myself that i would get back into school again, but i never did. he was so successful in his efforts to further his education and chosen field, where as i had succeeded in beginning to follow through with school and had an idea of what would be my chosen path. he did fall in love with me in a way... he fell in love with the future version of me i presented him. he believed in me for quite a while. i, however, never did believe in myself fully. of course i became more and more worried he would see through me and realize i was no good, that i wouldn't succeed, that i wouldn't get off my ass. i knew he was surrounded by better people than me and would eventually dump me for one of them. i panicked and started to give and give and give him all i could so i could keep him. i wanted to buy him if there was no other way. i did everything including begging so he wouldn't leave me. but he did.

now i am hanging on by a thread. i have a stable job that i took in the first place so i would have more money to spend on hanging out with him. now that he is gone, i hate being here. my incentive is out the window. i have no joy when i leave work, no memories to make me smile while i am at work. i am petrified that i will never be able to fool someone as good as him into falling for me again, and i am afraid that the only kind of man who would like me as-is is someone i would feel disgust and distain for.

i know what need to happens. i know i need to find a path that i am proud of, feel capable of, and make that the priority i follow. i need to not compare myself to others and instead be proud of what small accomplishments i do have under my belt, and if they are very few, then i need to work each and every day to accrue more and more until they are numerous and large individually. i need to forgive myself for choosing distraction after distraction for years and years, and i need to stop punishing myself for my mistakes. i need to stop viewing myself as though through the eyes of those i perceive as being better than me, and realize that although they may have advantages i do not, i should not make the assumption that they are inherently better than me and that i am inherently fucked. rather, i need to remind myself of the disadvantages that i have no control over and that others are lucky enough to not have to deal with. no matter if life is fair or if it's harder for me to succeed than anyone else. i can't just resign myself to being unworthy of life just because the man i wanted to love me rather be with someone he has more in common with.

i hope i can do all this. otherwise i will need to settle and accept unhappiness as the norm. i have never done that before, and i have never considered that to be an option before. my intention all these years is to live every day of my life knowing that happiness exists and that is attainable and it doesn't matter how long it takes to get to me or if it even gets to me. i just know that i need to strive towards it and believe in it every fucking day until i die.

and there's this also...

wow... it is like when you're working on a jigsaw puzzle, and there's small areas dispersed throughout the table that have a few pieces joined together here and there, but all the areas are like small islands floating and not at all connected. but of course, you know they will. it's just a matter of figuring out how your remaining pieces fit.

when we broke up the first time, it was because of the fighting. but the second time, there was no fighting. it was out of nowhere. you said it was because of my unfounded constant questioning, but i felt like there must had suddenly appeared a new woman in your life.

when we slept together after we broke up the second time, it was valentines day the next day. you mentioned being invited to a party and not wanting to go, but i got the feeling you really were seeing someone.

when you invited me to go to seattle a week from then, i asked if you got the extra ticket for the show with me in mind, but you said you had no one in mind. when over the course of the week, i came to the decision that going with you would be a mistake because i still was in love with you and you were never going to get back together with me, i figured you'd go alone. but you didn't go at all. if you had started up a new thing with a woman that you broke with me over, it is easy to assume that you were hoping she would go to seattle with you. but either she couldn't or you chickened out on asking her, so after we hung out, you asked me. that could be why you slept with me too. maybe you were still waiting for your first time with her.

i went from being your girlfriend, to the fall-back you were using while waiting for the woman you really liked to finally come around. and all the while you knew i was still in love with you. you knew you were making it harder for me. and you did it anyway. i loved you because i didn't know this was something you were capable of. i suspected it, but those thoughts were so terrifying, i constantly asked you about them hoping you would tell me i was wrong not because the lies were easier than the truth, but because i wanted the truth to be that you would never hurt me like that!!! i was soooooooo wrong!

i hope this woman breaks your heart. i hope you try to get over on her, and she is smarter than i and leaves you immediately. you are sick.

omg

i just thought of something. i'm piecing it together. of course, i could be totally off base... imagining things.

when i asked you how you met your new woman, you said you ran into her a while ago and then ran into her again recently. i didn't know then she worked at a bookstore. ok, so that's how it was. you went to the bookstore after we got back together and saw you were interested in her. you broke up with me because of her. i asked you if it was another woman, and you said no, it was because of my questioning.

ok, so am i wrong? i really don't think so. i wish i could stop coming up with all these scenerios in my head. i wish i knew the truth so i wasn't always guessing. it's so hard to just accept that i was lied to and hid from. it is so hard to accept that you were so insulting.

strung along

IT IS SO EXTREMELY RARE THAT I GO AN HOUR WITHOUT CRYING. I SPENT SO LONG LOOKING TO YOU FOR COMFORT AND SOMEONE I COULD TRUST. I WISH I HADN’T BELIEVED YOU CARED ABOUT ME INFINITELY. YOU CARED ONLY SO MUCH. IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU TO STRING ME ALONG AND REAP THE BENEFITS OF MY AFFECTION AND ATTENTION THEN IT WAS TO STEP AWAY AND NOT LEAD ME INTO BELIEVING MY LOVE WOULD BE FULLY REQUITED. I AM AT SUCH A LOSS. I AM SO HURT AND SCARED AND ALONE. OF ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE A MESS IN MY LIFE, ONE OF THE MAJOR ISSUES IS THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH A GUY AND HE IS NOW WITH SOMEONE ELSE. AND WHO CAN I GO TO WHEN I NEED TO CRY ON SOMEONE’S SHOULDER AND BE HELD. THERE IS NO ONE.

I WISH YOU DIDN’T LEAD ME ON. I WISH I DIDN’T KID MYSELF THAT YOU WOULD ONE DAY LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVED YOU. I WAS SO WRONG ABOUT YOU. I REALLY FOOLED MYSELF, AND YOU HELPED ME DO IT EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. IF YOU ARE HAPPY WITH SOMEONE NEW RIGHT NOW, YOU DON’T DESERVE IT. I LIKE TO THINK THAT YOU’LL FUCK IT UP WHEN SHE REALIZES HOW EVIL YOU ARE. BUT THEN I THINK MAYBE I’M WRONG ABOUT YOU, AND YOU AREN’T EVIL, BUT I’M JUST STUPID.

YOU HURT ME SO MUCH. I WISHED YOU HAD NOT USED ME THE WAY YOU DID. IT WAS SO MEAN. I NEEDED TO BE LOVED. I STILL DO. IT’S GOING TO TAKE ME A WHILE TO GET PAST YOU. I WISH WE HAD BROKEN UP SOONER, OR BETTER YET, NOT HAD EVEN GOTTEN PAST THAT FIRST WEEK.

still in love

i am still in love with my ex boyfriend. he broke up with me, but wanted to still hang out. then he slept with me. i thought we were back together, but when i said so, he said no. then i wouldn't see him. but when new year's came around, i called him because i missed him so much. he came over and we negotiated getting back together. and then we fucked. and then he broke up with me again a few weeks later. and then he and i tried to be friends. and then we fucked again. and then i stayed away. but then i missed him and tried to be just friends again. and then i stopped by his house and found him with a woman. i asked him if they were seeing each other and he said no. i didn't believe him, so i then asked if they had kissed. he said yes.
at that point, i knew he didn't really love me. i had been denying that was a possibility for so long. i was convinced he was in love with me like i was in love with him. but i woke up when i saw him with her. i knew i was alone in my feelings.
it's been a few weeks now, and i miss him terribly. i want nothing to do with him. there is no way i will ever trust him again. anything contact we have would drag me further into desperation. my only hope for breaking free of my obsession with him is abstaining from all contact.

i tried to sleep with someone last night. i would have been the first time i had sex with another man in 2 years and 7 months. it would have been the only sex i have had in 2 months and 5 days. it didn't work out. i compare everyone to my ex, and they all fall short of being good looking, funny, smart and talented. even though my ex lied and cheated, even though he strung me along and took advantage of me, even though i cried myself to sleep over and over in the time we dated, even though he is with another woman and is having fun while i am miserable, i can't stop wishing he was with me. i literally want nothing to do with him ever again. i don't want to see him, i don't want to hear about him, i don't care if misfortune befalls him, and i sometimes hope he is as miserable as possible. but i miss him with every fiber of my soul. everyone is so boring and annoying. I am boring and annoying. i can't stand the way i look in the mirror, i can't stand all the thoughts in my head. i can't stand the people on the street. he was the one thing i loved. the one thing that made me smile. and that is gone. our relationship is gone.

i don't want him back. all that i miss does not outweigh all that is evil within him. and i do mean evil. he is not a good person. what i want is to stop missing what was good about him. i cry every day, all day. i am so ill. i don't know how i'm going to continue to deal with this.

quilt

i know what to do with your quilt!!! i was really trying my best to ignore the fact i even had it. i didn't know where to put it other than under my bed. that way it was entirely out of site, out of mind. if i put it in the basement, it would be with all the items i actually wanted and stored down there. under the bed is somewhere to put something when you really couldn't give two shits if you see it again. i knew i would actually make a decision regarding where it would go. i didn't want it to exist though, and i couldn't bring myself to destroy it. before i got it back from you, i fantizied about throwing in the river from off the bridge by your house. but again, i couldn't do that. i MADE it. it is ME. no way in the world that you deserved it, but no way that i deserved to kill it. it's an entity. it contains all the love i had for you. it contains so much of the love i have to give. i trusted you with it. i was wrong to give it to you. i wasn't wrong to have made it though. that quilt was my hope.

now i know what i want to do with it. i want to give it to someone needy, like a cancer patient or a homeless person. but i don't want it to exist as it is once it's out of my hands. i do have an urge to cut it... i want to cut that part of it out that is you. the part that taints it. the part that took a perfectly good and beautiful collection of flannel, fleece and thread and ruined it for all time. so... it will become SCARVES for the homeless! oh, they will be awesome, and they will be plentiful, and they will be OF VALUE. and if i'm lucky, you'll see one or two while you're waiting for the bus downtown.

miss you

i got drunk. woke up wishing i didn't have this life. i want to be rid of so much. i hate where i am at. on the other hand, i am so glad it's not worse. i really don't know how i will continue to cope though. i need something to cheer me up. i really want to see my therapist, but i can't afford it right now. i am always on the internet, and that is the most contact i have with the world. this summer, i'll be traveling, so that will help, but i'm afraid of feeling empty after the trips are over and i'm back here. i need to just get out of bed, but i really wish i could have YOU to go to once i did. now when i get up, there isn't anyone. i am glad for the few friends i have... i remember that for most of my life i didn't have any. i am so lucky i have a loving family, but i am afraid i'll never be able to see them for more than a few days at a time once or twice a year.

i miss you so much. i wish i didn't have to be so angry at you. i wish i didn't feel so hurt and lied to. i wish i didn't constantly compare myself to everything and everyone else in your life.

i went out by myself last night. i wanted to meet people. i didn't care if it was a hook up or just a friendly face. i ended up with what i always do... a guy that lets me ramble on and on who thinks he may have a chance to start something with me, but who i would never ever find admirable or attractive. of course, i judge him for being so nice to me when i am merely using him as a soundboard for a couple of hours. i didn't let him buy me drinks, i didn't overtly lead him on so i could get even more out of him. but by the time i left, i was feeling lonelier than ever. i wanted to meet someone attractive! i didn't care about admirable at that point. i went to another bar, but even though i was inebriated enough that i would have welcomed someone less than stellar, i never got even the slightest chance. it was a tuesday night... not a lot of people out. no one approached me. odds weren't in my favor, nor the circumstances.

anyway, after this paragraph, i'll get up out of bed, jump in the shower, and start to feel motivated to get what i need to do done today. i miss you. i know you are hurt and scared when it comes the the thought of me, because i have hurled so much reactionary pain your way these last few weeks. i hope one day i can trust you enough to be on speaking terms. i'm afraid that odds are that won't happen, and that you probably will never trust me to allow me in your life either. i don't hate you. i really miss you is what it is. i really miss you.

power

i had no power. powerless. like i was freefalling and there was nothing to grab onto. i would reach out to him, and he would not retreat, but he would not reach back either. he would beckon, he would lead me to reach, he wanted me to need him... but then he let me fall just the same.

i was overwhelmed with feelings of fear. i was so reliant on his approval, his presence. in too many ways, i still am, but that is changing.

i sent him a small box filled with all things him that i no longer wanted. tiny gifts he gave me, cds he made, souviners from times together. funny thing was, it was a VERY small box. i do have a lot of pottery he gave me, so i need to decide what to return, store, destroy, keep...

i found 'power' in that moment i packed the box. i didn't second guess it at all. i had been waiting until the day when i would KNOW it was certainly leaving my house. i really didn't give a shit if he got it, if he opened it, if he cried, if he sneered... all i cared about was i really didn't want any of it anymore. and i found the 'power' because i didn't throw it away, like he once asked me to rather than send it to him. i fucking sent it to him! i need to know he has an inkling of how i feel NOW... not how i feel weeks ago when i was at his feet begging. all i beg of him now is to completely disappear from MY life! it may not be the healthiest way for me to deal with this in the long run, but it is the best way for me to fucking feel decent enough to go without crying to myself in my lonely room for one more hour.

tempted

as tempted as i am to just erase all my previous posts... i won't. not yet. if ever. i don't know what i will do. right now i won't.

i feel really lame. i mean, really subpar. i always considered myself above average, and now that has changed. i would love to be able to blame my ex, but really what gets me mad about him is that he wouldn't pretend to see me as i wanted to be seen. now that he has left and is improving his station, i feel all my mistakes being magnified.

i sit at work and try not to accept how permanent things seem there. i almost wanted to get fired today... that's crazy!!! i have trouble finding a job even when there isn't a downturn.

what i really want, what i really need... is to erase my immediate debt. i need to sew like crazy, and i need to radically improve my house. i can drink more water, exercise, and sit out in the sun so i can look and feel good. i can walk in, around and out of a house i am proud of and i would love to have guests to. i can feel confident that a steady supplemental stream of funds will help float me over the wall down into vast cushness...

of course i would love to have a best friend again. i loved my ex. i loved the moments with him. i loved knowing he was in my life. i loved remembering the things he did and said the night before, and i was thrilled all day when i knew i would be seeing him that night. however, interspersed in all of that was an intense paralyzing fear that he was not to be trusted. i would reconstruct conversations and interactions with him, his friends, random women he knew, my friends when they were around him.... jesus, it fucking freaked me out each and everyday. i would cry myself to sleep at night and i would get ill and cry at work hiding in the restroom until i could breathe again.

i miss him, but i am so lucky to be rid of him, if for no other reason than now i have a chance to live a life without feeling abused. i really felt hurt daily. i felt betrayed, lied to. maybe even cheated on. there were so many times i had no idea where he was, who he was with.

i find myself hoping he is unhappy now. i want to know he's upset, because that would maybe somehow mean that i have not been the one who was wrong all along. even though he most certainly took advantage of me the entire time we were together, i still feel like i was the one who fucked up. in this world, it is often the asshole who prevails. fuck the meek. the bible is working an angle, and it will tell you whatever it needs to to get what is on it's agenda done. just like my ex. he said what he needed to, embellished, hid, lied, intimidated, degraded... and i took it. who's the bigger idiot? who's the bigger jerk?

unfortunately, odds are he isn't as upset as i'd like him to be. it's funny, because he wears his depression like a badge of honor. in sharing moments of joy, he'd often tell me he was as close as happy as he could be in that moment (because he is incapable of true happiness). i do not wish full blown depression on anyone. it causes people to lose the will the live. i do wish on him he is anything other than better than when he was his best with me.

stupid that i should be so concerned with how he is doing rather than focus on myself, but when i think of my current state... it gets me feeling panicked. i don't see a way out of this. i only see things getting more and more unbearable. slowly but surely. i am a woman. not a great looking, rich, extremely intelligent young woman, but rather a strangely proportioned, nonstriking, childless, older woman who has very few friends, is living paycheck to paycheck, and who sits in a cube all day and focuses on dreary hobbies and activities when not commuting on the torturous transit. how will i enter a fulfilling career, find interesting people to spend time with, find an attractive trustworthy man, and come to terms with all the people i have hurt and who have hurt me?

clockwork

i don't know what to feel. i cry everyday like clockwork. i am angry so i don't have to be sad. god, i hate these words. i want to say something that can strike people so they know what i'm feeling, otherwise i feel so alone. so lost. i don't know what to do. i don't have what others do. i feel like i'm one of the people on this earth who isn't part of the top half. i have no enjoyment. i wish i had more hope. when i think of when i did feel like more was possible for me, it seems like i was fooling myself. i'm beginning to resign myself to being a loser and the only reason i won't die is out of cowardice and sympathy for those who would feel guilty if i left. i don't know what there is to live for, because i don't think i'll ever find what i need.