CRACKING MY HEAD

HOLY SHIT, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! THAT GUY I HAD SEX WITH THAT GOT REALLY MAD AT ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T TELL HIM SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE... WHEN I RAN INTO HIM RECENTLY HE MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT 'CRACKING MY HEAD' AS BEING ONE OF THE ISSUES OF THAT NIGHT, OBVIOUSLY GLOSSING OVER AND NOT MENTIONING 'LOSING HIS HARD-ON'.

NOW, I DIDN'T HOLD IT AGAINST HIM, AND FOR SURE BLAMED IT ON THE C-DOM AND GAVE HIM THE ABSOLUTE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT THAT IT WASN'T AN ISSUE WITH HIM (WHEN IN FACT I FIGURED IT WAS PROBABLY NOT THE C-DOM BUT INSTEAD DUE TO THE FACT THAT I JUST WASN'T THAT INTO IT AND HIS DICK COULD PROBABLY PICK UP ON THAT). HOWEVER, IT JUST DAWNED ON ME THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT IS ONE OF THE REASONS HE REACTED AS SEVERELY AS HE DID. AND THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE HERE I'VE BEEN BEATING MYSELF UP PARTLY DUE TO HIS RESPONSE, WHEN ALL THE WHILE HE'S PROBABLY SUPER EMBARRESSED. HE DID TELL ME HE HAS NEVER JUST HOOKED UP LIKE THAT BEFORE, SO OVERALL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN PREETY TRUMATIC, EVEN BEFORE HE REALIZED I DIDN'T TELL HIM WHAT I SHOULD HAVE.

ANYWAY, I FEEL SLIGHTLY BETTER, BECAUSE I KNOW NOW THAT HIS EXTREME REACTION MOST LIKELY WASN'T JUST DUE TO THE MAGNITUDE OF MY MISGIVING. OF COURSE, WHAT I DID WAS REALLY BAD, AND A TOTAL MISTAKE THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED... HOWEVER, LIKE I HAVE MENTIONED TO OTHERS I'VE DISCUSSED THIS WITH, HIS REACTION WAS THE MOST UPSETTING EVER. NOW I HAVE ADDITIONAL INSIGHT INTO WHY THAT MAY BE, AND THEREFORE AS A RESULT FEEL LIKE I CAN ACTUALLY MOVE ON FROM BEATING MYSELF UP ABOUT THIS AND JUST NOT MAKE THAT SAME MISTAKE AGAIN, AND FORGIVE MYSELF FOR HAPPENING TO BE PART OF THAT GUY'S INEVITABLE LEARNING LESSON.

math

argh. i wish i had taken math as my major. i wish, i wish, i wish. but then again, when i think back to what was in my head when decisions were made when they were, i can see why i choose engineering, geology, and then in a last ditch attempt to come out ahead: geography. i failed in all three. but math still leaves me feeling excited. so if i had chosen math then, would i have floundered with that too? i mean, was anything i tried doomed to be bullshit, or did i just not make the right choice early on enough?

was it my parents fault for not supporting me in what i liked and loved? was it their fear of my possible failure to get any further than they did that fueled them to take whatever it was that i liked and try to mold that into the idea they had for me from day one, which was based on what they themselves wished they had done? i think so... it's fairly common, so i shouldn't really hold it against them. they wanted me happy. however... when i think about how little either of them paid attention to me overall, it hurts. my sister and brother had one another, but i always was on my own. my mother drank and my father rolled another joint and banged another 18 year old and leased another new car... neither of them were able to make their children the stars of the show. we weren't even an ensamble cast. my dad was gone 95% of the time, and when he did show up, he was a buddy who did fun things... not a dad. at least hardly a dad. hardly.

any my mom... drunk and passed out and crying and screeeeeeeeeaaaaming! jesus fucking christ, she really let it go all the time. the poor fucking woman was a mess and as miserable a person as i had known. but i loved her with all my heart. wait. maybe not... i just loved her as much as i could love anyone. but it probably wasn't with everything i had. i was too neglected and hurt for that. and my dad... that was work! fitting in all the fun that we possibly could, fitting in every little immediate gratification whether it be ice cream, roller skating, r-rated movies with lots of cursing and fascinating nakedness and disconcerting sexual situations... he was eager to be liked and at the time i thought that passed for love. when us kids got to be older and saw how little money our mother raised us on compared to how hard she worked, and how little our father bothered to contribute for the most basic of necessities, opting instead for the wild once in a long-while weekends... we didn't like him so much anymore.

neither of my parents were able to guide me when i entered the world. neither of them could hold me back from throwing myself into adult situations as i attempted to leave behing all the hurt and fear breeding over the years in my dyfunctional family and amongst my abusive peers at school and in my neighborhood. early on i saw that the only girls that paid attention to me either wanted to use me to get even with a friend or pick on me to impress everyone they could. the only boys who liked me did so because i was on my own and separted from the pack, seemingly easy to prey upon and pounce! it was horrible. the only balance i could find was to sink into a world of only men, but men who could at least compensate me for my torture and make it seem bareable.

that went on for a while, but still i wanted love. i was so alone at that point... my family avoided me, i was living alone in a basement apartment at 16, kicked out of the beginning of 11th grade because i wasn't showing up... i worked almost every single night because i had nothing to do otherwise, even with all the money i was making. then i met _____, and things changed. i was shown an alternative. i wasn't very happy at that point, however, good did come from that situation. it forced me to reconcile the double life i was living. i was able to leave work behind, and no longer had to lie, lie, lie. i reconnected with my family, reentered the world of daylight (literally), and eventually took my ged and started college. i was hopeful and eager, so that was nice. i wasn't close to happy though. not close.

i do horrible things

ok. so this is a long story that leads one to the inevitable conclusion that i do horrible things. i need to lay this out beginning to end because without it, i wander into thoughts of justification and rationlization, when in fact, i'm every bit of a cowardly, selfish bastard as any of the assholes i've ever met.

boyfriend broke up with me. devastaed. begging and pleading for him to come back. let him sleep with me hoping he wanted back. he didn't. he wanted more sex, he missed me. we negotiated. we got back together. he freaked out and finally left me for good. still wanted sex though. somewhere along the way he met someone else and didn't tell me. i found them hanging out at his house one day when i stopped by, knowing we were done, hoping we could still work it out. devasted. finally accepted it was really over for good. from the initial break up to finding out he's seeing someone else = 4 months.

hate. anger. all of a sudden, the dam broke and my denial no longer could hold back all the facts. i had to face the ugly truth. i couldn't keep hoping that all the lies, secrets, and gut feelings were going to be smashed away in the long run when ____ professed his undying love and devotion. not only would it never turn out the way i wanted, but it most likely had been a lie and a charade the whole time. i felt used. i felt utterly unloved and unlovable. i had no trust for myself. i questioned whether i could ever make a smart decision in my life to come, since every decision up until that point had lead me to complete misery. i had wrapped my self-worth in him and him alone. i had never felt so low in all of my life.

my anger kept building and building. i hated what he did, i hated putting up with it for so long. i kicked myself from here til next tuesday for staying after he said this, after she did that and so on. interspersed in all the feelings of betrayl, i also had to face all the times i had hurt others in the ways he hurt me. it was horrendeous. i wanted him to apologize to me, but i had no idea how to go about apologizing to those i hurt. i wanted him to admit every little thing. i wanted to know i was absolved of responsibilty. i wanted to hear that i did everything i could to save us and he threw it away. i wanted to be viewed as a martyer. but my guilt about my past was tugging at me.

enter the young boy. i finally have a friend. someone to talk to everyday. someone who understands hurt and being lied to. someone who i trust and who trusts me. he lives too far away and there's too much of an age difference, but still, he's the closest thing i have to a boyfriend, and it helps me enormously to no longer feel so alone. i shed my old friends realizing our relationships are unhealthy, co-dependant, disrespectful, etc. i am excited to let new positive experiences into my life now that i've finally seen the poison i was lugging around. however, this also reminds me that i was probably the same poison to ____ that my old friends were to me. i hated viewing myself in that light. better to harp on how mean and unfair everyone is and how honest and hard-working i am.

i fantisize about the boy and what our relationship could be. i knowingly push it along further and further even though i shouldn't because he is emotional and latching onto me in an unhealthy way. there is a measure of restraint on my end, but i wonder if i shouldn't just somehow nip it all in the bud.

other than this long-distance boy, my dates and hook-ups have been disgusting. nothing redeeming, admirable, exciting, fun. lots of alcohol and some drugs have led to grumsome displays of carnal messes, each one better left without bothering to pick up after, as if i was staying in one hotel after another so why make the bed or hang up the towel? the worst moments in all these months since the break up have been when flashes of ____ with other women pop in my head. it's like firecrackers in the middle of the night, they scare me so bad. i am so depressed at this point that i am the heaviest i've ever been. i hate how i look. all the constant crying and stress and anxiety have aged my face and all my hurt seeps through my eyes for all to see. i cannot hide my misery. i cannot pull myself up out of the pit of despair. it sucks. i fight feeblely so that i may survive another day without considering suicide. it doesn't always work. my thoughts are beginning to scare me. how will i at my age find friends, make money, travel, have a family, fall in love, look decent when i have so few resources and have given away so much. i had a hard time in my 20s feeling worthy and motivated. now in my 30s, i felt the complete opposite.

one day i have an epiphany. during one of my many conversations with the boy, i'm considering the possiblity i may need to change the nature of our contact, otherwise i'm sure to lead him on and on, and hold myself back, which would enivitably lead to nothing but hurt. i push the thought away as usual. it comes up all the time. but then my roommate wants me to smoke a bowl and is very insistant. while still on the phone, i take a bong hit and immediately fall into the heaving, crass coughing that will get me so fucking stoned. too stoned. sure enough, while listening to ______ on the phone, i am overcome with perspective. i can't get away from him soon enough.

anyway, the horrible things i do? i rage with all the wrath i can muster against those that have hurt me, convinced i am innocent and they are evil. liars through and through, and i did no wrong, i deserved nothing but praise, yet received the oppoiste. then, low and behold, i find myself in exactly the same situation on exactly the opposite side. so i berate those that made mistakes in trying to care for me, and i abandon those that wanted me more than i wanted them. i lead on everyone hoping they think i feel the same as they do so they won't leave. i ignore that nothing is forever, and that sooner or later i will be on one end or the other. i stand up on that self-made pedestal instead and preach and cry and yell and shake my fist in the air for all passing by to see. my attempts at self-deception leaves wounded men in my wake, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself they are mere annoyances.

i am a fucking bitch-ass-cunt. i hate me.

he doesn't hate me

_______ DOESN'T HATE ME. HE WAS SO SWEET AND KIND. I LOVED LISTENING TO HIS VOICE. I WAS SO TAKEN ABACK AT HOW HUMBLE AND CLEAR HE WAS IN HIS MANNER. HOW UNASSUMING AND STRAIGHT FORWARD. HOW HEALTHY. HERE WAS A MAN I CONSIDERED THE WORST DRUNK I HAVE EVER MET, AND NOW HE IS IN COLLEGE AGAIN, LIVING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AFTER BEING TOGETHER FOR OVER 3 YEARS. HE DOESN'T DRINK AT ALL NOW... IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR. HE IS STILL AT THE SAME JOB. HE IS SO CARING. I MUST HAVE KNOWN HE WAS ALL THESE THINGS. I FORGOT. things were so bad for so very long between us.

WHEN I MET HIM, HE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON I HAD EVER SEEN. I MAY STILL THINK THAT. ____ IS ALMOST AS BEAUTIFUL... or maybe they are even. IT'S HARD TO SAY WHO I LOVE MORE. THEY ARE BOTH RARE, exquisite BEAUTIES. I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE SHARED TIME WITH THEM. they both have the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen in my life.

I SENT ____ AN EMAIL OF APOLOGY 2 DAYS AGO. NO RESPONSE BUT THAT'S OK. JUST LIKE I WAS WILLING TO WAIT AS LONG AS IT TOOK UNTIL _______ FORGAVE ME, THAT'S WHAT I'M WILLING TO DO WITH ____. OMG. I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE I JUST SPOKE WITH _______! OF COURSE IT PAINS ME TO KNOW HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND HE DIDN'T WANT ME. BUT I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT I WOULDN'T BE HAPPY WITH HIM IN THE LONG RUN. I JUST WANTED TO BELIEVE THINGS COULD STAY THE WAY I WANTED THEM TO. BOTH OF THOSE GUYS SAW THAT THINGS WEREN'T GOING TO LAST, AND BOTH OF THEM HAD TO DEAL WITH WANTING ME YET KNOWING OUR RELATIONSHIPS WERE UNHEALTHY.

OF COURSE THIS MEANS I NEED TO ACCEPT THE INEVITABILITY OF ____ FALLING IN LOVE IF HE HASN'T ALREADY. BOTH OF THEM ARE PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN. BUT AT LEAST NOW, I KNOW THAT _______ DID LOVE ME, STILL HAS A PIECE OF ME INSIDE OF HIM, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE REST OF HIS LIFE. HE REMEMBERS WHY HE WANTED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. I HEARD IT IN HIS VOICE. HE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T HATE ME AND THERE WAS PLENTY OF WRONG THINGS THAT HE DID ON HIS END AND THAT I SHOULDN'T FEEL BAD. HE APOLOGIZED THROUGH ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. HE ALSO REASSURED ME WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK.

HE MENTIONED HE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND SEE A THERAPIST ONCE A MONTH. THAT'S INCREDIBLE. TO SEE THE STRIDES AND SUCESSES THAT HE HAS PERFORMED DURING THESE PAST FEW YEARS. INSPIRING TO SAY THE LEAST. I AM SO GLAD HE'S SOLID, BALANCED, AND HAPPY. HE SOUNDED GREAT, AND HE SOUNDED GLAD TO HEAR FROM ME. SO REASSURING. HE ASKED WHAT I WAS DOING, AND I SUMMED UP MY CURRENT PATHETIC SITUATION, BUT ADDED THAT I REALLY HOPE TO GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY one day... PERHAPS THROUGH TEACHING OVERSEAS OR THROUGH THE PEACE CORPS. AT THE END OF OUR CONVERSATION, I TOLD HIM I WAS PROUD OF HIM AND HAPPY FOR HIM, AND HE TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY, THAT I WOULD GET BACK TO WHERE I NEED TO BE AND I WILL GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY. BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT'S WHAT I WANTed. HE TOLD ME THAT I COULD GET WHAT I WANT... IN THAT MOMENT, ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE TO EVER HAD ENTER MY LIFE SHOWED ME HE BELIEVED IN ME. SOMEONE THAT HAD OVERCOME ODDS JUST AS AGAINST HIM AS ANY AGAINST ME. AND HE FORGAVE ME.

how much longer?

i've got this crazy idea in my head that my ex misses me and is really sorry and wants things to be smoother between us and for both of us to apologize and that he is lonely and alone and so on and i'm fucking crazy. there is no way his life is even half as pathetic as mine. i am too heavy, i have almost no friends, my family however loving is a lot more lame than his, my looks are not as good as his, his sex life would have to be non existent to mirror mine, and he would need to have slept with only the bottom of the barrel these last few months. i am sure he is sleeping with a woman he loves, and if not that, women that are hot and want him. i have no one but a young boy thousands of miles away that is kinda cute, kinda smart, and really not extraordinary. my exes are all just ok. nothing special. the best thing about any of them is that they wanted to stay with me. none of them are doing anything special with their lives. in fact, most are fucked up and lonely and losers just like me. ____ used me. he never loved me as anything more than just a friend. he knew he would never stay with me. he was getting the most out of the situation he found himself in with me until something better came along. just like when my ex-friend _______ would make plans with me just because she had nothing else to do, but would cancel without hesitation at anything else at all. jesus. i really have been sinking sooooo low this entire time. i mean my whole life. when anyone that seems remotely incredible shows any interest in me, i immediately sabatoge it just to avoid them finding out what i feel to be inevitable... that i am worthless and lame and disgusting. i swear, at times like these, i am glad i have such an aversion to suicide instilled in me thanks to religion. if nothing else, i still have retained that even though my faith in god is gone. my father that never was. shit. shit. shit. i cannot believe that anyone that feels the way that i do right now ever felt better down the road. i wish i could find inspirational stories about woman like me who moved onward and upward, but i know any story however close to what i have in mind will have holes in it.

i miss being in love. i miss that serene feeling in his arms. i miss knowing that he is there, sooner or later. shit, i waited and waited for that prick, so sure that if only i waited long enough, he would be there. be there. i just had to wait. i didn't care how long. as long as he didn't tell me, 'there is someone else' or, 'i am not in love with you now, nor will i ever be', i could wait. funny thing is, both of those things were true, they were happening. he was too much of a coward to tell me, too selfish to let me go when he was so dependent on what i supplied him, and i was too scared to let myself see how i was really being treated. i wanted to live in the fantasy because the truth was too fucking scary. i was fucked no matter what. if he left, if he stayed. him staying only put off the inevitable. i see that now. i didn't want to believe that when he told me the night he broke up with me. i wanted to believe we could work it out. but he had no intention of making the relationship work the way in wanted it to at any point ever ever ever.

i can not stand how much better everyone he knew was than me. the only ones that were not better than me were the ones he fucked before me that still wanted him and he still wanted their attention. i swear, out of the dozens of people who i met through him, only a handful considered me worthy of breath.

i want to be loved. i want to love myself. i want to not give a shit about what anyone thinks of me, but i hate me. i hate me. i hate me.

how much longer is this going to last???????????/

so good, so fucked

i don't know whether or not i'm crazy. this film made me realize there's a good chance i am and always have been. there must be a reason i'm so alone. i'm no good at connecting. i'm off on my own. like the woman in this movie, i haven't done anything in my life that makes me special except how i'm defined by what i mean to my blood relatives. her identity is wrapped entirely in pleasing her husband and children. i do the same. i wouldn't mind just dying sometimes, except then my family would be sad. friends would be over it relatively quickly, but family would suffer due to how they'd see themselves as a result.

god, i hope everything i just said about my family is wrong. part of me knows i'm wrong, but part of me wonders just what if things really are that dismal. ugh. it goes back to me not knowing what the fuck is going on. but it's worse than that... i more times than now think i DO know what's up, and that's when i REALLY get in trouble.

i'm so afraid i'll never be in love again. i'm so afraid i'll always pine for ___. i should have never ended up with him. it was all poison. i miss him every moment of everyday it seems. i wonder if i should move away from here afterall. i've stubbornly held out on even considering a change like that, because i'm concerned that it would only be a substitute for making more important, real changes. however, lately i'm wondering if i can feel free enough here in this town with all the reminders of my past nipping at my heels. christ. but shouldn't i face my past, my mistakes? would moving be quitting, escaping? shouldn't i perceiver despite the obstacles? or are these more like road blocks and i need a detour? i'm going to give it til the one year mark of the REAL breakup to give these thoughts any real credence.

anyway, in the meantime, it really sucks feeling like i'm crazy. it is sooooooooooo unbelievably lonely, oh fucking god. oh fucking god, i miss having someone to hold and someone to hold me. someone like ____. i wonder how he's feeling when he's with his new lover(s). does he love them more or less than he did me? it seems like the answer should be clear. it seems like he loves them more, otherwise, why leave me... but maybe my bad didn't outweigh my good, but my good is still stellar compared to their's? what i mean is, moments with me may be better than those with other woman since me, but overall, other woman are better than me because A)they have more in common and B) they aren't as fucking nuts and stupid as me. i don't know if anyone worth a damn will ever see enough good in me to help me with my faults, to stay in love with me despite them. i hate who i am, and although i keep trying to find ways to change that, a little everyday, there's the possibility THIS IS IT.

BLACKING OUT

OMG. I HATE BLACKING OUT. HARDLY EVER HAPPENS. BEEN A FUCKED UP WEEK THOUGH. OH JESUS. I GOT SO FUCKING DRUNK TWICE. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WENT OUT TO SEE SHOWS. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WAS ALONE AND DIDN'T HAVE SOMEONE ANCHORING ME. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WASN'T ANCHORING MYSELF. FUCK. I MISS ______. HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE TO HAVE HIM ON MY ARM (OR ME ON HIS. WHATEVER). MAYBE I'D FEEL SAFE. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'D BE WORRIED AND NOT FEEL SAFE. MAYBE IF I FELT SAFE IT WOULD BE FALSE, AND THEN I'D BE EVEN MORE FUCKED THAN I AM NOW. ARGH. DOESN'T MATTER. THIS IS ALL OLD, BORING BULLSHIT. DOESN'T MATTER THAT I'M ALONE, THAT THIS PERSON LEFT, OR THAT PERSON SUCKS, OR ANY OF THAT. I DON'T LIKE ME. I DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING, I DON'T LIKE HOW I LOOK (GOING TO THE GYM). I DON'T LIKE HOW BROKE I AM (TRYING TO PAY OFF CCS). I DON'T LIKE HOW DRUNK I GET (HANGING OUT WITH BETTER PEOPLE). I DON'T LIKE HOW LAME MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE... WAIT A SECOND. THEY'RE NOT TOO LAME. IF I FEEL OK, THEN I SEE THEM AS BEING OK. ARGH.

I HATE THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE. SO EMBARRESSING. I HATE THAT I DON'T REMEMBER SO MUCH OF THE END OF THE OTHER NIGHT. I COULD HAVE WALKED OUT OF THERE WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT. INSTEAD I'M JUST GLAD I DIDN'T LOSE MY WALLET OR JACKET. JESUS. FUCKING CHRIST. AND MY HEAD HURTS. AND I CAN'T GET MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO KEEP UP WITH ORDERS ANYWHERE CLOSE TO ON TIME. I CAN'T GET INSPIRED ENOUGH TO DELVE INTO ALL THE RICHES AT MY DISPOSALE. I NEED TO FIX UP MY PLACE SO I LOVE BEING THERE. JESUS, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TIME WHEN I'M ALWAYS SO FUCKING TIRED. ALWAYS SO FUCKING LONELY. ALWAYS SO SELF FUCKING CONSCIENCE.

I MISS ______. HE'S SO TALL, I CAN'T WAIT TO LAY IN THE SPOT RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TORSO, WHILE HE LAYS HIS ARM AROUND ME. I CAN BURROW AND SNUGGLE, AND HE'LL LAY THERE SO STILL AND SOMEWHAT STIFF, NOT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT TO DO, BUT PATIENT AND CONFIDENT ENOUGH IN HIMSELF THAT HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. OH, I KNOW IT WILL FEEL SO GOOD, I'LL BE SO RELIEVED. I'LL BREATHE EASIER, AND I CAN HIDE FROM ALL THE REST OF THE BULLSHIT FOR AT LEAST A LITTLE WHILE. OH, I JUST HOPE THAT DAY DOES COME. I MAY BE MONTHS AND MONTHS. AND BY THEN, WILL IT ALL HAVE CHANGED? I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIS EVERYDAY LIFE TOO CLEARLY. I DON'T WANT HIM SEEING MINE. I NEED THIS. I NEED COMFORT. I NEED SIMPLICITY. FUCK. ARGH.