demands

WHAT I WANT FROM ___:

TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO COME CLEAN WITH HIM AND APOLOGIZE SO I CAN POSSIBILY CLEAR MY CONSCIENCE, AND HE CAN KNOW THE TRUTH, BUT ONLY IF HE WANTS to really know the whole truth, AND ONLY IF IT ISN'T LIKELY TO BE DETRIMENTAL TO TELL HIM.

WHAT I WANT FROM ____:

TO QUIETLY NOT HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN, NOT CONTACT HIM, AND NOT BOTHER LOOKING AT HIS FACEBOOK SO I DON'T HAVE TO CONTINUE TO BRUISE MY EGO. THERE IS A LEVEL OF INTIMACY THAT BOTH OF WANT, BUT NOT WITH ONE ANOTHER, AND NOW IT CAN ONLY BE AWKWARD IF WE ARE MORE THAN FRIENDS. I WOULD PREFER TO NOT HAVE TO DISCUSS THIS, AND TO FONDLY REGARD EACH OTHER WHEN WE HAPPEN TO RUN INTO ONE ANOTHER. OTHERWISE, WE CAN DISCUSS THIS THE NEXT TIME WE MAKE PLANS TOGETHER. IF HE DOESN'T BRING IT UP, I WILL.

WHAT I WANT FROM _______:

I WANT HER TO GO AWAY. I DO NOT TRUST HER. THERE HAVE BEEN TOO MANY TIMES WHEN I HAVE FELT HER TO BE DISHONEST, OR INSINCERE. I HAVE WITNESSED HER BETRAY MARRIAGES AND FRIENDS, I HAVE CAUGHT HER IN LIES AT LEAST TWICE (THE MONEY, THE RIDE TO THE _____). I FEEL USED WHEN SHE NEEDS FAVORS AND I FEEL LIKE SHE IS FAKE AND INSULTING WHEN MAKING EXCUSES. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I FEEL LIKE REMAINING A PART OF HER LIFE MEANS IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE SHE PERFORMS SOME TRANSGRESSION THAT WILL BE NEITHER HIDDEN NOR SUBTLE, BUT INSTEAD WILL BE A DEVASTATING DISPLAY OF BETRAYAL, NOT UNLIKE THOSE I'VE EXPERIENCED FROM THE MEN IN MY PAST.

as for both ____ and _______; I DO NOT WANT TO BE MADE A FOOL OF, I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIED TO, I DO NOT WANT TO BE USED. RATHER THAN GO INTO DETAIL with people just so they can DISPUTE EACH POINT AS IF IT STOOD ALONE, I WILL LET them KNOW what MY GUT IS TELLING ME, and that is TO STAY AWAY. I WILL ACCQUIESE [?] TO THE FACT THAT I COULD BE WRONG, BUT I WILL ALSO DISPLAY MY INDIFFERENCE TO THAT FACT by alerting them to the fact IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST, NOR THE LAST TIME i've been wrong if that's the case, and i'd rather error in favor of me.

things will come up

damned co-workers sending mass emails to everyone in the dept, thinking it's cute and harmless. little do they know one of those pictures is the exact same cartoon that my ex special ordered on a t-shirt for me once.

it was one of the gifts from him i returned in the mail along with his mixed cds and artwork he gave me. god i fucking hate what he did. i miss him so much, and it hurts relentlessly. i hate myself for digging such a big hole for myself... it's so hard to get out. i try to inch my way up and scale these walls to get to the top so i can get out, then a stupid fucking co-worker sends an unsolicited email with annoying cartoons telling everyone to "cheer up, it's friday!". i'll fucking cheer up once i'm out of this fucking building, dumbass!

done with her too...

ok, so i'm done with _______. i have a gut feeling, i'm following it, i'm not down for discussion. i've felt this way about her for a long time. i don't trust her, i'm disgusted by her actions with others, and now she's obviously avoiding calling me and instead placating me with texts that mention how much she 'misses and loves' me. at first i was concerned about my lack of friends, but i now see holding onto her isn't worth it. i was then concerned about what other's would think since she's the one who's so much more social than i am, then i realized i don't give a damn what anyone thinks if they don't know my side.

i'm just tired of trying to hold onto scraps. i am surviving. i can prosper if only i stop setttling. i shouldn't give up any and everything. just shift my focus is all.

anyway, i have a ticket she's paid me half down for and some clothing of hers she probably wants. i'm going to have fun with blowing her off if she comes for either, and i'll have that much less hassle in my life if she doesn't.

one more thing; i'm pretty sure there's some connection with ____ here. that is about as disgusting as a betrayal as someone could pull on me. and from what i know about her and her actions with other men and women, friends and lovers, i wouldn't be surprised. hurt, sick... sure. that's why if i never talk to her again it's no different than how i feel about ____. i can never trust another word out of her mouth ever again. after not getting in touch with me after these past couple of days, i now see her more clearly than ever.

classic borderline behavior

cnn: '...the classic borderline behavior is to feel smothered by intimacy whenever others come close and to feel completely terrified about being abandoned if they move back. A classic borderline move is to dump anyone who wants you and cling desperately to anyone who wants to get away from you.'

anyway, here i was worrying yesterday that ____ may end up liking me too much, and just today i freaked for a moment when i, out of a feeling of obligation, texted him about hanging out soon, expected him to put me on the spot as far as making the decision whether to hang out today or tomorrow, and instead texted he is busy and will call tomorrow. i mean, i'm thinking, 'what if he can tell i'm not that into him, and his ego is bruised, and he's distancing himself'. 'what if,' i thought, 'he thinks i'm a jerk because he's been so generous and nice, and here i am acting like a opportunist.' and so on and so on. jesus, if he calls tomorrow and is at all eager or happy on the phone, i'll swing right back to feeling trapped. i have some serious work to do. i'm just glad i know it!

i'm no longer emailing that jerk

argh. i would love to be able to get through to that man. i loved him once. i would so easily be able to love him again if he were to try... i know there's something of value within him. no matter, too much has been said and done, and it's becoming less and less important that he know what is going on with me day after day. it's becoming more and more important to me to rediscover myself and my strength.

i am reading 'All the Pretty Horses'. pretty phenomenal. this struck me like a brick:

Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I'd always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it was always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals came easily.

btw: i forgot how good pink floyd is...

I GOT ME SOME

OK, SO I WAS ON A MISSION. IT TURNED OUT PRETTY AWESOME. I WAS THINKING 'MAN', BUT ENDED UP WITH A 'WOMAN', AND OMG, IT WAS FUN. I WANT TO GO BACK AND DO THIS, AND TRY THAT... SHE WAS SO WILLING AND HOT. OF COURSE THE NEXT MORNING (IT WAS ACTUALLY AFTERNOON BY THE TIME I WOKE), IT WAS AWKWARD AND SLIGHTLY ANNOYING. I'M ASSUMING THAT WENT FOR BOTH OF US. WHILE WE WERE IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL, IT WAS EXCITING AND WE WERE DRUNK/HIGH. I KEEP RUNNING IT OVER IN MY HEAD, BUT RELIVING IT IS ALMOST NOT WORTH IT, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AND I WANT IT TO BE SOON. WITH HER WOULD BE OK, BUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE NEW, SOMEONE IN ADDITION WOULD BE EVEN BETTER.

SO, I WAS PUSHY AND UNETHICAL... TO A POINT. I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT BEING HONEST THESE DAYS, BUT THERE ARE OBVIOUSLY FLAWS IN MY SYSTEM. I WON'T BOTHER DISCUSSING THEM. I AM HIDING FROM IT SO OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM. NOT OUT LOUD.

I'M THINKING I'M ACTING OUT IN THIS WAY BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE NO ONE WILL HAVE ME. I WANT TO BE DESIRED, I WANT TO FEEL POWER. I WANT PLEASURE. I WANT ENTERTAINMENT. THESE MOMENTS THAT I EXPERIENCE IN REAL LIFE AFTER SPENDING NIGHT AFTER NIGHT FANTASIZING ABOUT ARE MOMENTS WHEN I DON'T FEEL SO EMPTY AND THEY DETER REMINDERS THAT FULFILLMENT FOR ME IS STILL SO VERY FAR AWAY.

EITHER THAT, OR IT'S JUST PLAIN FUN ;)