i am so lonely

oh, i miss you. i miss you. i am so lonely. i was talking to an old friend earlier tonight on the phone. it was a call with a purpose. practical. it wasn't just to talk. he was half there, busy being distracted by others around him. i remembered feeling that way a million times while out with old friends like him. distracted by everyone else in the room. i'd have their attention for a few moments, and then it would wane.

yours never did though. i had you all to myself for so long, so often. when i needed to get used to sharing you, i couldn't because i was afraid i would lose you completely. and then i did.

i am so lonely. i know it's better we are apart because what we had was unhealthy, co-dependent. i know you were using me, biding your time. at no point were you convinced i was the one. i knew it then, but i was in denial. i know it now, and it cripples me. i loved you so much. i know i can find someone else one day to feel that way about. and next time it's more likely it won't be harmful in the long run. but i want to scream your name. i want to stand in the middle of the busiest road in town and announce how much i love you and miss you and how consumed i am by wishing you were still here with me.

i know you're probably with her now. cuddling, talking. and later you'll stare in her eyes as you sink into her just like you used to stare at me. i do hold out hope that you still have moments where you miss me. where you regret how things turned out. but mostly i remind myself that you are really good at justifications and remembering only what makes your present easier. i on the other hand am literally haunted by ghosts taunting me. memories won't leave me alone... good or bad. i want you out of my head. i want new people in my life. i'm so afraid to leave my house though. i am so ashamed of who i am. but you know that. you saw that. you left that.