steps

ok, so i am constantly sick. my anxiety is out of control. i really threw every ounce of myself into another person. before that, i threw myself into a transitory scene. before that, i threw myself into drugs. now i find myself with very little to hold onto because each of those entities threw me out on my ass. of course i made the mistake of trying to meld with something that was sure to be unreliable. i fooled myself each of those things were enough to sustain me. thing was, i knew they weren't on some level, so i would just convince myself something else would come along or something would change. for instance, i thought that if i kept at it with school, it would be there for me to fall back on when my 'scene' dissolved. but i never committed myself to school enough so when i needed it, it wasn't there for me. so then i went back into the drugs and entertained the idea that i would travel abroad. of course, it was a dream that i never worked towards. i just let my thoughts of my future turn there when the the drugs weren't able to distract me from the fact that my scene and my schooling were no longer in my life, and i had nothing to hold onto. no man at that time either. oh, but when one did come along, i forgot all about my desire to go abroad, and threw myself into working day and night to get him to fall in love with me. that would be all i needed, i thought. i told him and myself that i would get back into school again, but i never did. he was so successful in his efforts to further his education and chosen field, where as i had succeeded in beginning to follow through with school and had an idea of what would be my chosen path. he did fall in love with me in a way... he fell in love with the future version of me i presented him. he believed in me for quite a while. i, however, never did believe in myself fully. of course i became more and more worried he would see through me and realize i was no good, that i wouldn't succeed, that i wouldn't get off my ass. i knew he was surrounded by better people than me and would eventually dump me for one of them. i panicked and started to give and give and give him all i could so i could keep him. i wanted to buy him if there was no other way. i did everything including begging so he wouldn't leave me. but he did.

now i am hanging on by a thread. i have a stable job that i took in the first place so i would have more money to spend on hanging out with him. now that he is gone, i hate being here. my incentive is out the window. i have no joy when i leave work, no memories to make me smile while i am at work. i am petrified that i will never be able to fool someone as good as him into falling for me again, and i am afraid that the only kind of man who would like me as-is is someone i would feel disgust and distain for.

i know what need to happens. i know i need to find a path that i am proud of, feel capable of, and make that the priority i follow. i need to not compare myself to others and instead be proud of what small accomplishments i do have under my belt, and if they are very few, then i need to work each and every day to accrue more and more until they are numerous and large individually. i need to forgive myself for choosing distraction after distraction for years and years, and i need to stop punishing myself for my mistakes. i need to stop viewing myself as though through the eyes of those i perceive as being better than me, and realize that although they may have advantages i do not, i should not make the assumption that they are inherently better than me and that i am inherently fucked. rather, i need to remind myself of the disadvantages that i have no control over and that others are lucky enough to not have to deal with. no matter if life is fair or if it's harder for me to succeed than anyone else. i can't just resign myself to being unworthy of life just because the man i wanted to love me rather be with someone he has more in common with.

i hope i can do all this. otherwise i will need to settle and accept unhappiness as the norm. i have never done that before, and i have never considered that to be an option before. my intention all these years is to live every day of my life knowing that happiness exists and that is attainable and it doesn't matter how long it takes to get to me or if it even gets to me. i just know that i need to strive towards it and believe in it every fucking day until i die.