still in love

i am still in love with my ex boyfriend. he broke up with me, but wanted to still hang out. then he slept with me. i thought we were back together, but when i said so, he said no. then i wouldn't see him. but when new year's came around, i called him because i missed him so much. he came over and we negotiated getting back together. and then we fucked. and then he broke up with me again a few weeks later. and then he and i tried to be friends. and then we fucked again. and then i stayed away. but then i missed him and tried to be just friends again. and then i stopped by his house and found him with a woman. i asked him if they were seeing each other and he said no. i didn't believe him, so i then asked if they had kissed. he said yes.
at that point, i knew he didn't really love me. i had been denying that was a possibility for so long. i was convinced he was in love with me like i was in love with him. but i woke up when i saw him with her. i knew i was alone in my feelings.
it's been a few weeks now, and i miss him terribly. i want nothing to do with him. there is no way i will ever trust him again. anything contact we have would drag me further into desperation. my only hope for breaking free of my obsession with him is abstaining from all contact.

i tried to sleep with someone last night. i would have been the first time i had sex with another man in 2 years and 7 months. it would have been the only sex i have had in 2 months and 5 days. it didn't work out. i compare everyone to my ex, and they all fall short of being good looking, funny, smart and talented. even though my ex lied and cheated, even though he strung me along and took advantage of me, even though i cried myself to sleep over and over in the time we dated, even though he is with another woman and is having fun while i am miserable, i can't stop wishing he was with me. i literally want nothing to do with him ever again. i don't want to see him, i don't want to hear about him, i don't care if misfortune befalls him, and i sometimes hope he is as miserable as possible. but i miss him with every fiber of my soul. everyone is so boring and annoying. I am boring and annoying. i can't stand the way i look in the mirror, i can't stand all the thoughts in my head. i can't stand the people on the street. he was the one thing i loved. the one thing that made me smile. and that is gone. our relationship is gone.

i don't want him back. all that i miss does not outweigh all that is evil within him. and i do mean evil. he is not a good person. what i want is to stop missing what was good about him. i cry every day, all day. i am so ill. i don't know how i'm going to continue to deal with this.