miss you

i got drunk. woke up wishing i didn't have this life. i want to be rid of so much. i hate where i am at. on the other hand, i am so glad it's not worse. i really don't know how i will continue to cope though. i need something to cheer me up. i really want to see my therapist, but i can't afford it right now. i am always on the internet, and that is the most contact i have with the world. this summer, i'll be traveling, so that will help, but i'm afraid of feeling empty after the trips are over and i'm back here. i need to just get out of bed, but i really wish i could have YOU to go to once i did. now when i get up, there isn't anyone. i am glad for the few friends i have... i remember that for most of my life i didn't have any. i am so lucky i have a loving family, but i am afraid i'll never be able to see them for more than a few days at a time once or twice a year.

i miss you so much. i wish i didn't have to be so angry at you. i wish i didn't feel so hurt and lied to. i wish i didn't constantly compare myself to everything and everyone else in your life.

i went out by myself last night. i wanted to meet people. i didn't care if it was a hook up or just a friendly face. i ended up with what i always do... a guy that lets me ramble on and on who thinks he may have a chance to start something with me, but who i would never ever find admirable or attractive. of course, i judge him for being so nice to me when i am merely using him as a soundboard for a couple of hours. i didn't let him buy me drinks, i didn't overtly lead him on so i could get even more out of him. but by the time i left, i was feeling lonelier than ever. i wanted to meet someone attractive! i didn't care about admirable at that point. i went to another bar, but even though i was inebriated enough that i would have welcomed someone less than stellar, i never got even the slightest chance. it was a tuesday night... not a lot of people out. no one approached me. odds weren't in my favor, nor the circumstances.

anyway, after this paragraph, i'll get up out of bed, jump in the shower, and start to feel motivated to get what i need to do done today. i miss you. i know you are hurt and scared when it comes the the thought of me, because i have hurled so much reactionary pain your way these last few weeks. i hope one day i can trust you enough to be on speaking terms. i'm afraid that odds are that won't happen, and that you probably will never trust me to allow me in your life either. i don't hate you. i really miss you is what it is. i really miss you.