i feel really lame. i mean, really subpar. i always considered myself above average, and now that has changed. i would love to be able to blame my ex, but really what gets me mad about him is that he wouldn't pretend to see me as i wanted to be seen. now that he has left and is improving his station, i feel all my mistakes being magnified.
i sit at work and try not to accept how permanent things seem there. i almost wanted to get fired today... that's crazy!!! i have trouble finding a job even when there isn't a downturn.
what i really want, what i really need... is to erase my immediate debt. i need to sew like crazy, and i need to radically improve my house. i can drink more water, exercise, and sit out in the sun so i can look and feel good. i can walk in, around and out of a house i am proud of and i would love to have guests to. i can feel confident that a steady supplemental stream of funds will help float me over the wall down into vast cushness...
of course i would love to have a best friend again. i loved my ex. i loved the moments with him. i loved knowing he was in my life. i loved remembering the things he did and said the night before, and i was thrilled all day when i knew i would be seeing him that night. however, interspersed in all of that was an intense paralyzing fear that he was not to be trusted. i would reconstruct conversations and interactions with him, his friends, random women he knew, my friends when they were around him.... jesus, it fucking freaked me out each and everyday. i would cry myself to sleep at night and i would get ill and cry at work hiding in the restroom until i could breathe again.
i miss him, but i am so lucky to be rid of him, if for no other reason than now i have a chance to live a life without feeling abused. i really felt hurt daily. i felt betrayed, lied to. maybe even cheated on. there were so many times i had no idea where he was, who he was with.
i find myself hoping he is unhappy now. i want to know he's upset, because that would maybe somehow mean that i have not been the one who was wrong all along. even though he most certainly took advantage of me the entire time we were together, i still feel like i was the one who fucked up. in this world, it is often the asshole who prevails. fuck the meek. the bible is working an angle, and it will tell you whatever it needs to to get what is on it's agenda done. just like my ex. he said what he needed to, embellished, hid, lied, intimidated, degraded... and i took it. who's the bigger idiot? who's the bigger jerk?
unfortunately, odds are he isn't as upset as i'd like him to be. it's funny, because he wears his depression like a badge of honor. in sharing moments of joy, he'd often tell me he was as close as happy as he could be in that moment (because he is incapable of true happiness). i do not wish full blown depression on anyone. it causes people to lose the will the live. i do wish on him he is anything other than better than when he was his best with me.
stupid that i should be so concerned with how he is doing rather than focus on myself, but when i think of my current state... it gets me feeling panicked. i don't see a way out of this. i only see things getting more and more unbearable. slowly but surely. i am a woman. not a great looking, rich, extremely intelligent young woman, but rather a strangely proportioned, nonstriking, childless, older woman who has very few friends, is living paycheck to paycheck, and who sits in a cube all day and focuses on dreary hobbies and activities when not commuting on the torturous transit. how will i enter a fulfilling career, find interesting people to spend time with, find an attractive trustworthy man, and come to terms with all the people i have hurt and who have hurt me?
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