power

i had no power. powerless. like i was freefalling and there was nothing to grab onto. i would reach out to him, and he would not retreat, but he would not reach back either. he would beckon, he would lead me to reach, he wanted me to need him... but then he let me fall just the same.

i was overwhelmed with feelings of fear. i was so reliant on his approval, his presence. in too many ways, i still am, but that is changing.

i sent him a small box filled with all things him that i no longer wanted. tiny gifts he gave me, cds he made, souviners from times together. funny thing was, it was a VERY small box. i do have a lot of pottery he gave me, so i need to decide what to return, store, destroy, keep...

i found 'power' in that moment i packed the box. i didn't second guess it at all. i had been waiting until the day when i would KNOW it was certainly leaving my house. i really didn't give a shit if he got it, if he opened it, if he cried, if he sneered... all i cared about was i really didn't want any of it anymore. and i found the 'power' because i didn't throw it away, like he once asked me to rather than send it to him. i fucking sent it to him! i need to know he has an inkling of how i feel NOW... not how i feel weeks ago when i was at his feet begging. all i beg of him now is to completely disappear from MY life! it may not be the healthiest way for me to deal with this in the long run, but it is the best way for me to fucking feel decent enough to go without crying to myself in my lonely room for one more hour.