unknown

it's been a couple of times now that i've gotten a phone call from 'unknown'. there was one last wed and now another this morning. of course, it's probably something annoying like a bill collector or a telemarketer, but maaaaaaaaaaybe it's from a man. a man i want.

there are two men that i've really been in love with. only two men that i miss and wish there was a way to be with them again. they are both blue eyed and blond. they are both insecure to the point of being an asshole. they both have an inflated ego and are lightning quick to pass judgements and compare how great they want you to perceive they are to how lame someone else is. the one guy is, or at least was, a raging alcoholic, and the other also has mad addicitons. they both like to get lost in fantasy gaming and novels, and they both won't talk to me.

i don't know which of them i hope it is, assuming it is one of them. again, odds are it's nothing, but i smiled when i saw that missed call on my phone. 'maybe it was _______, or maybe it was ____.' i miss them both. the more recent one in my life, i am leaning towards hoping it's him only because my longing for him is fresher, and i'm not used to it yet. the other guy has been gone quite a while, but i did love him first. i know that the more recent ex will one day be ok with talking again if i were to want that. the other guy, not sure that he would. he lives way far away anyway. but i still think of him. i know it's sick to want to communicate with him again. we abused each other like crazy! our relationship was the definition of self-destructive and unhealthy. at least this more recent guy and i at least tried to be 'normal' and not regress to old patterns of behavior and abuse.

no matter..... what i really want is to forget about both of them and meet a new blue eyed blond. but this one has to be a good person. has to be striving towards kindness to those who deserve it. and he has to be an asshole the rest of the time to the idiots. that turns me on.