now

i am on this for the first time in quite a while. i'm a different person now after this past year. better in most ways. still a long way to go until i'm back to where i want to be.

i have a great boyfriend, i'm collecting unemployment, i gained too much weight, i am feeling far removed from my family, i got in touch with my dad and then ended up alienating him, i am feeling so much more free of my stupid ex, i am looking forward to one day returning to school, i eat too much, i drink too much. i skied for the first time recently, i have wonderful friends, i threw my first party recently, i no longer feel the need to follow _____, i am still sewing, i am sewing new types of items, i have an internet addiction, i never read, i no longer throw up but once in a blue moon, i am in a new place with my coke addiction, and i have some real anger, frustration, and paranoia issues. i feel sexually devoid, creatively stale, and mentally dull. i have glimpses of what it's like to feel confident, i am consumed with the need to travel, i have a special car, a decent mechanic, a lot of money invested in said car. i went cross country with my boyfriend this past summer, i fear obama won't get a second term, i am sure that evil persists and always will, i wonder if i'll be skinny again, i never go to the gym, i never ride my bike. i have decent roommates. i met my boyfriends parents. they're ok. i will most likely never have children. i am scared that my mom will die one day. i hate that i just wrote that last sentence. i'm trying to grow my hair down to my ass. i wish i loved more music. i want a pet so damn fucking bad. pit bull is my first choice if i got a dog. i really really want a cat, but can't have one in this house. i love my house. i have an amazing view from my window when the sun rises behind the ________ in the east. i wonder if my heart will give out on me sooner than later. i miss caring about things. i miss passion. i miss life. i feel like i'm waiting for nothing. i feel numb. i feel better than i did a month ago, and a month before that, and so on. my life is improving.

today, i woke semi-hungover. it was one of those mornings when i sit in bed way longer than i would have if my bf wasn't there. enter resentment. suggest we go to a movie. drop him at his home after, and head home to be productive. pass out instead. wake later and eat too much and sit on the internet doing nothing. hours pass. i cut up some fabric, but not for the project i should. i stress about deadlines. i procrastinate. i decide to go to bed sooner than later to try not to fuck up my schedule way too much for the next day. i end up on here blogging. i think about where to go on the internet next, and try to convince myself i won't do this for hours and instead will turn off all the electricity i'm now using and close my eyes and try to relax. thoughts return to all that i'm putting off, and all that i will probably put off tomorrow. i wonder why i do this. i self loathe.