getting better everyday

tesla rules.

surprisingly, i got a lot done today. i say that because in the middle of it all, i realized that for week after week my saturdays were filled with only 1 or 2 things attempted and hours and hours in bed either recovering from a friday night hangover or not being able to tear myself away from hulu in fear of having to think for two seconds.

today's sunshine and heat were motivators, as was the fact that i have an upcoming trip out of town and i need to do soooo much. but more than that, i am getting more and more used to the way things are. and i also think i am getting a clearer idea of HOW things are. with me. i spend a lot of time trying to figure out ___, but i don't spend as much time on my own motivations and patterns.
anyway, it's all getting better. if i know anything, it's that extrapolation would mean that in a week, it will be even better, and in a month, way better, and in a year, all better.

but... in the meantime, i fucking miss him and the scariest thing now is that he may never talk to me again. it seems so unfair that i couldn't control myself and not burn that bridge. i should have had the strength to ignore him instead of alienating him so i wouldn't have recourse if my urge to contact him got to be too great. i just hope that one day, when these urges have passed, i can run into him and he won't hate me, or be afraid of what i may do, or feel way too much shame or guilt so that he avoids me.

i don't know how to do my part in this quite yet. i know the only absolute i can prepare for is that i need to accept if in fact we never talk again. shit, he could be madly in love already, be feeling things for another woman that he would have never felt for me. he could be moving in with her, making plans for the future, or sure that she is the mother of his children. why would i want to run into that!!!???? preferably, i want to have things and people and plans in my life that outshine anything that had or would have happened with him. but right now, that's not how it is. everything is still musty, grimy, and dark.