you're not there

i really have the strongest urge to contact you. but i know 1) you lied to me. when we were together, you were carrying on with exes and you had one foot out the door and your eye on whatever was to come next. you knew you weren't in love with me, but you wanted to stay with me for as long as you wanted, and you knew you were making it worse for me, because you knew i was in love with you, but you would lead me on because in those moments, it felt good. this is why i don't think you're a good person. this is why sometimes i wish i never met you. your level of selfishness is such a force of destruction for me. you tore me down so much that now i feel like i can't even stand up without help, and i want to lean on you. you hurt me, you lied. what makes all of this so much worse is to think that you are probably happy with a new girlfriend who doesn't put up with your lies, so therefore you are good to her in all the ways you should have been good to me. jesus, you didn't have to stay with me forever just because i wanted you to, but you should have not used me!!! you shouldn't have lied!!! you shouldn't have defended your bastard friends and exes when they treated me like shit! i shouldn't have stayed with you beyond that first week, but i was so afraid of being alone, and you were so beautiful and interesting. i thought you would learn to apprieciate me, but instead you learned to take what you wanted and justify it all. i am so lonely. it is killing me. i have no one in my life that i'm proud of except for a few distant relatives that don't have a lot to do with me. my cat was with me for years. it was me and him. and he's been gone for a year this month. fuck. i have roommates that are strange, i have a house cat that is strange. co-workers, old aquaitences, people i see on the bus, guys following me around hoping for a date or a kiss. it is all lame and strange. i look in the mirror and that's the worst of it all. i don't look good. my insides are streaming through. i hate it. i don't know when i'll ever feel the joy i used to feel with you. i know i can, i know i probably will, but when? what are the odds? i wish you hadn't lied to me. i miss you so much, but it is impossible to have a conversation with you ever again. i just wish i knew whether you hated me. i know you don't use words like 'hate', but i know what feelings you use, and you can call it whatever... i just don't want you to feel that way about you when i still miss what we had so very much.
i have lost others in my life and eventually moved on. it will happen with you, but when? to what degree. i wish you hadn't used me. it would be a waste to wish i had left you sooner, because i was way to sick to do so. the healthiest thing i can do now is have no contact with you. you're still sick and you may always be. it is such a waste and a shame.