ha

i just remembered... i used to have to have valium on me at all times, just in case i ran into ____. not anymore. i of course, would feel sick to my stomach, but i'd stop short of a panic attack. god, i hope i don't test this theory. i hope it's a looooooooooong time before i run into him (even though i miss him like crazy. actually, because i still DO miss him like crazy).
good news. i FINALLY get to get a fucking haircut. i have no idea when my last was. maybe a year ago. almost. it's out of control. just in time to see my family and hit the big city. whoo hoo. thanks to _____ for loaning me the big bucks to make my xmas everything i could hope for. i sooooooooo have to make her a quilt.
speaking of sewing, i've been doing just that. it takes me a few hours after i wake up at about noon to get motivated to think about what i'm going to work on, and then another couple of hours to get to the machine. but these last few days, at least i'm getting to the machine and STAYING there. whoot whoot what. i sooooo have to finish 2 hoodies by saturday, and if i'm lucky, another one before i fly out tuesday. oh boy. leaves me no time to work on anything for me for east coast. oh well. i have a lot of nice things to wear anyway. i have sweet sweaters to bust out and i'll probably wear only boots the whole time i'm out there since i usually ride my bike everyday here. yeah yeah, i'll be drinking yeungling EVERYday and pizzer every other night. what what.
so... things seem to be falling into place. i hope i make the very most of this opportunity. i hope i go back to school and get a double major by 2012. i hope i re-experience the feeling of falling in love again and am able to enjoy it's rewards rather than let it's risks drive me insane. i hope i can paint my entire house and do some fixer upper stuff like replace my faucet, nail up the gutters, rototill the yard, and maybe fix the leak in my bathroom so i don't feel a wet splash when i am sitting on the toilet 30 seconds from regaining conscienceness. i hope i think i'm pretty again one day. i hope i get back into reading. i hope i can lay off living in the past. i hope i can shed unhealthy relationships or preferably get realllllllly good at drawing strict, fair boundaries from day 1. i hope i can have a family one day, or the equivalent thereof. i hope when i get a car, it's kick ass. i want a wagon dammit. volvo, subaru, corrolla... oh yeah. don't care what year, but hopefully old yet reliable. i want to take it up and down the mountain, not just up and down main st. and if it's green... whoa.
anyway, i also realllllllllly want to let go of my hate. not entirely, but enough so it's negligible when it comes to overpowering me. i want it there to challenge me, keep me sharp, but i don't want it clouding all that i do.

things sure are different

wow. won a lawsuit. got laid off and now i'm getting just as much with ui as i was with my checks thanks to no more garnishment. should be able to get out of default and go back to school with the new limit on fed max for fafsa. jeez. peace corps? prolly. new used car. uh huh. fabric, haircut, new pots and pans, coffee maker, trip out east for xmas, nye paid in full, no more cc mins, pay moms lots back, new clothes, decent coat and shoes, fix up my bikes, and so forth. wow. so glad this is happening. so worried about fucking it up. so glad it's happening now and not earlier in my life when i was still in love or on drugs or traveling a lot. wow.

still missing ____. can't wait til something else takes that place in my heart. hope it's not empty for all time. i refuse to refill it with garbage. that is what was there in the first place, and now here i am wishing i had more. jeez. steve perry, you're my hero, but you get me in trouble. no more.

wish i were prettier, or at least had a better rack. oh well. i do have a decent mind and i'm not fat. there's that. i can always improve my mind and body and my looks, mood, and friends will follow. i know that. it's hard tho. i keep remembering all the hurt and all the betrayal i've been on both sides of, and it's debilitating. i wish i weren't so alone. i wish i trusted people more. it's so lonely. i cry all the time. i wonder what it's like not to cry without feeling numb. to just NOT cry. i hope to one day find out.

the other woman

SO, I THOUGHT I POSTED A MISSED CONNECTION ON CRAIGSLIST LAST NIGHT, BUT I MUST HAVE CLACKED WHEN I SHOULD HAVE CLICKED, BECAUSE IT WASN'T THERE WHEN I CHECKED LATER. IT WAS REALLY GOOD TOO, SO THAT IS A DISAPPOINTMENT. IT WAS A 'LETTER' TO MY EX AND IT WAS ABOUT MY CONFUSION AS TO WHY ALL MY FRIENDS SUCK AND WHETHER I'M DOOMED TO WISHING I WAS WORTHY OF MORE INTERESTING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE DUE TO BEING MISLED TO THINK SOMEONE AS GREAT AS HIM (MINUS THE LYING) WAS INTO ME.

NOW I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF TEXTING WITH THE 2 CLOSEST PEOPLE TO ME RIGHT NOW. THE 21 YEAR OLD ACROSS THE COUNTRY THAT IS 'BANGING' A CUTE GIRL HIS AGE WHILE CALLING ME TO TALK ALMOST EVERY DAY AND THE NEW FRIEND I MADE THIS PAST MONTH THAT SEEMS REALLY PROMISING, BUT MAY BE TOTALLY FUCKING CRAZY AND ONE MORE PERSON TO PROVE MY THEORY ABOUT WHAT I'M WORTH FRIEND-WISE.

ANYWAY, TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF WORK, AND I'M FEELING ALL RIGHT, COMPARATIVELY. I STILL OBSESS ABOUT MY EX, BUT AT LEAST IT'S ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS SINCE THE OFFICIAL BREAK UP AND I STILL HAVE HALF AS LONG AS THAT TO RECOOPERATE ENOUGH TO FEEL LIKE I'VE MOVED ON. I HAVE A LOT OF SEWING TO LOOK FORWARD TO, MONEY-WISE AND JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, FAMILY-HOLIDAY-WISE. I AM SOOOOO GRATEFUL FOR MY FAMILY, AND AM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT STRENGTHENING MY TIES WITH EXTENDED FAMILY THANKS TO FACEBOOK AND SO FORTH. OH, AND THE THING WITH ______... I'M REALLY AT THE POINT WHERE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO CUT HIM LOOSE, OTHERWISE I'M NO BETTER THAN A MISTRESS THAT SAYS, 'OH, BUT HE LOVES ME'... FOR ONE THING, IT'S NOT FAIR TO HIS GF, AND FOR ANOTHER, IT'S NOT FAIR TO THE NEXT AWESOME GUY I MEET THAT I WON'T GIVE ALL MY ATTENTION TO BECAUSE I'M GLUED TO THE PHONE WITH A KID TALKING ABOUT DICK JOKES 90% OF THE TIME. OH, AND IF WE BOTH DO END UP AT NYE TOGETHER, I CAN'T GO DOWN THERE HAVING JUST KEPT IN TOUCH WITH HIM NON-STOP SINCE AUGUST. THE BREAK IS NECESSARY SO I DON'T BECOME PATHETIC AND THROW MYSELF AT HIM.

I GUESS I HAVE TO OUTRIGHT BREAK UP WITH HIM. HE MAY FEEL HURT IN THE MEANTIME, BUT IT WILL BE A GREAT LEARNING LESSON FOR HIM THAT HE NEEDS TO RESPECT THE PERCEPTIONS OF THOSE THAT ARE RELIANT ON HIM THAT HE CONTINUES TO BENEFIT FROM. HE'S A GOOD KID AND HE SHOULD STAY THAT WAY. I DON'T WANT TO ENCOURAGE BULLSHIT.

CRACKING MY HEAD

HOLY SHIT, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! THAT GUY I HAD SEX WITH THAT GOT REALLY MAD AT ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T TELL HIM SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE... WHEN I RAN INTO HIM RECENTLY HE MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT 'CRACKING MY HEAD' AS BEING ONE OF THE ISSUES OF THAT NIGHT, OBVIOUSLY GLOSSING OVER AND NOT MENTIONING 'LOSING HIS HARD-ON'.

NOW, I DIDN'T HOLD IT AGAINST HIM, AND FOR SURE BLAMED IT ON THE C-DOM AND GAVE HIM THE ABSOLUTE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT THAT IT WASN'T AN ISSUE WITH HIM (WHEN IN FACT I FIGURED IT WAS PROBABLY NOT THE C-DOM BUT INSTEAD DUE TO THE FACT THAT I JUST WASN'T THAT INTO IT AND HIS DICK COULD PROBABLY PICK UP ON THAT). HOWEVER, IT JUST DAWNED ON ME THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT IS ONE OF THE REASONS HE REACTED AS SEVERELY AS HE DID. AND THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE HERE I'VE BEEN BEATING MYSELF UP PARTLY DUE TO HIS RESPONSE, WHEN ALL THE WHILE HE'S PROBABLY SUPER EMBARRESSED. HE DID TELL ME HE HAS NEVER JUST HOOKED UP LIKE THAT BEFORE, SO OVERALL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN PREETY TRUMATIC, EVEN BEFORE HE REALIZED I DIDN'T TELL HIM WHAT I SHOULD HAVE.

ANYWAY, I FEEL SLIGHTLY BETTER, BECAUSE I KNOW NOW THAT HIS EXTREME REACTION MOST LIKELY WASN'T JUST DUE TO THE MAGNITUDE OF MY MISGIVING. OF COURSE, WHAT I DID WAS REALLY BAD, AND A TOTAL MISTAKE THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED... HOWEVER, LIKE I HAVE MENTIONED TO OTHERS I'VE DISCUSSED THIS WITH, HIS REACTION WAS THE MOST UPSETTING EVER. NOW I HAVE ADDITIONAL INSIGHT INTO WHY THAT MAY BE, AND THEREFORE AS A RESULT FEEL LIKE I CAN ACTUALLY MOVE ON FROM BEATING MYSELF UP ABOUT THIS AND JUST NOT MAKE THAT SAME MISTAKE AGAIN, AND FORGIVE MYSELF FOR HAPPENING TO BE PART OF THAT GUY'S INEVITABLE LEARNING LESSON.

math

argh. i wish i had taken math as my major. i wish, i wish, i wish. but then again, when i think back to what was in my head when decisions were made when they were, i can see why i choose engineering, geology, and then in a last ditch attempt to come out ahead: geography. i failed in all three. but math still leaves me feeling excited. so if i had chosen math then, would i have floundered with that too? i mean, was anything i tried doomed to be bullshit, or did i just not make the right choice early on enough?

was it my parents fault for not supporting me in what i liked and loved? was it their fear of my possible failure to get any further than they did that fueled them to take whatever it was that i liked and try to mold that into the idea they had for me from day one, which was based on what they themselves wished they had done? i think so... it's fairly common, so i shouldn't really hold it against them. they wanted me happy. however... when i think about how little either of them paid attention to me overall, it hurts. my sister and brother had one another, but i always was on my own. my mother drank and my father rolled another joint and banged another 18 year old and leased another new car... neither of them were able to make their children the stars of the show. we weren't even an ensamble cast. my dad was gone 95% of the time, and when he did show up, he was a buddy who did fun things... not a dad. at least hardly a dad. hardly.

any my mom... drunk and passed out and crying and screeeeeeeeeaaaaming! jesus fucking christ, she really let it go all the time. the poor fucking woman was a mess and as miserable a person as i had known. but i loved her with all my heart. wait. maybe not... i just loved her as much as i could love anyone. but it probably wasn't with everything i had. i was too neglected and hurt for that. and my dad... that was work! fitting in all the fun that we possibly could, fitting in every little immediate gratification whether it be ice cream, roller skating, r-rated movies with lots of cursing and fascinating nakedness and disconcerting sexual situations... he was eager to be liked and at the time i thought that passed for love. when us kids got to be older and saw how little money our mother raised us on compared to how hard she worked, and how little our father bothered to contribute for the most basic of necessities, opting instead for the wild once in a long-while weekends... we didn't like him so much anymore.

neither of my parents were able to guide me when i entered the world. neither of them could hold me back from throwing myself into adult situations as i attempted to leave behing all the hurt and fear breeding over the years in my dyfunctional family and amongst my abusive peers at school and in my neighborhood. early on i saw that the only girls that paid attention to me either wanted to use me to get even with a friend or pick on me to impress everyone they could. the only boys who liked me did so because i was on my own and separted from the pack, seemingly easy to prey upon and pounce! it was horrible. the only balance i could find was to sink into a world of only men, but men who could at least compensate me for my torture and make it seem bareable.

that went on for a while, but still i wanted love. i was so alone at that point... my family avoided me, i was living alone in a basement apartment at 16, kicked out of the beginning of 11th grade because i wasn't showing up... i worked almost every single night because i had nothing to do otherwise, even with all the money i was making. then i met _____, and things changed. i was shown an alternative. i wasn't very happy at that point, however, good did come from that situation. it forced me to reconcile the double life i was living. i was able to leave work behind, and no longer had to lie, lie, lie. i reconnected with my family, reentered the world of daylight (literally), and eventually took my ged and started college. i was hopeful and eager, so that was nice. i wasn't close to happy though. not close.

i do horrible things

ok. so this is a long story that leads one to the inevitable conclusion that i do horrible things. i need to lay this out beginning to end because without it, i wander into thoughts of justification and rationlization, when in fact, i'm every bit of a cowardly, selfish bastard as any of the assholes i've ever met.

boyfriend broke up with me. devastaed. begging and pleading for him to come back. let him sleep with me hoping he wanted back. he didn't. he wanted more sex, he missed me. we negotiated. we got back together. he freaked out and finally left me for good. still wanted sex though. somewhere along the way he met someone else and didn't tell me. i found them hanging out at his house one day when i stopped by, knowing we were done, hoping we could still work it out. devasted. finally accepted it was really over for good. from the initial break up to finding out he's seeing someone else = 4 months.

hate. anger. all of a sudden, the dam broke and my denial no longer could hold back all the facts. i had to face the ugly truth. i couldn't keep hoping that all the lies, secrets, and gut feelings were going to be smashed away in the long run when ____ professed his undying love and devotion. not only would it never turn out the way i wanted, but it most likely had been a lie and a charade the whole time. i felt used. i felt utterly unloved and unlovable. i had no trust for myself. i questioned whether i could ever make a smart decision in my life to come, since every decision up until that point had lead me to complete misery. i had wrapped my self-worth in him and him alone. i had never felt so low in all of my life.

my anger kept building and building. i hated what he did, i hated putting up with it for so long. i kicked myself from here til next tuesday for staying after he said this, after she did that and so on. interspersed in all the feelings of betrayl, i also had to face all the times i had hurt others in the ways he hurt me. it was horrendeous. i wanted him to apologize to me, but i had no idea how to go about apologizing to those i hurt. i wanted him to admit every little thing. i wanted to know i was absolved of responsibilty. i wanted to hear that i did everything i could to save us and he threw it away. i wanted to be viewed as a martyer. but my guilt about my past was tugging at me.

enter the young boy. i finally have a friend. someone to talk to everyday. someone who understands hurt and being lied to. someone who i trust and who trusts me. he lives too far away and there's too much of an age difference, but still, he's the closest thing i have to a boyfriend, and it helps me enormously to no longer feel so alone. i shed my old friends realizing our relationships are unhealthy, co-dependant, disrespectful, etc. i am excited to let new positive experiences into my life now that i've finally seen the poison i was lugging around. however, this also reminds me that i was probably the same poison to ____ that my old friends were to me. i hated viewing myself in that light. better to harp on how mean and unfair everyone is and how honest and hard-working i am.

i fantisize about the boy and what our relationship could be. i knowingly push it along further and further even though i shouldn't because he is emotional and latching onto me in an unhealthy way. there is a measure of restraint on my end, but i wonder if i shouldn't just somehow nip it all in the bud.

other than this long-distance boy, my dates and hook-ups have been disgusting. nothing redeeming, admirable, exciting, fun. lots of alcohol and some drugs have led to grumsome displays of carnal messes, each one better left without bothering to pick up after, as if i was staying in one hotel after another so why make the bed or hang up the towel? the worst moments in all these months since the break up have been when flashes of ____ with other women pop in my head. it's like firecrackers in the middle of the night, they scare me so bad. i am so depressed at this point that i am the heaviest i've ever been. i hate how i look. all the constant crying and stress and anxiety have aged my face and all my hurt seeps through my eyes for all to see. i cannot hide my misery. i cannot pull myself up out of the pit of despair. it sucks. i fight feeblely so that i may survive another day without considering suicide. it doesn't always work. my thoughts are beginning to scare me. how will i at my age find friends, make money, travel, have a family, fall in love, look decent when i have so few resources and have given away so much. i had a hard time in my 20s feeling worthy and motivated. now in my 30s, i felt the complete opposite.

one day i have an epiphany. during one of my many conversations with the boy, i'm considering the possiblity i may need to change the nature of our contact, otherwise i'm sure to lead him on and on, and hold myself back, which would enivitably lead to nothing but hurt. i push the thought away as usual. it comes up all the time. but then my roommate wants me to smoke a bowl and is very insistant. while still on the phone, i take a bong hit and immediately fall into the heaving, crass coughing that will get me so fucking stoned. too stoned. sure enough, while listening to ______ on the phone, i am overcome with perspective. i can't get away from him soon enough.

anyway, the horrible things i do? i rage with all the wrath i can muster against those that have hurt me, convinced i am innocent and they are evil. liars through and through, and i did no wrong, i deserved nothing but praise, yet received the oppoiste. then, low and behold, i find myself in exactly the same situation on exactly the opposite side. so i berate those that made mistakes in trying to care for me, and i abandon those that wanted me more than i wanted them. i lead on everyone hoping they think i feel the same as they do so they won't leave. i ignore that nothing is forever, and that sooner or later i will be on one end or the other. i stand up on that self-made pedestal instead and preach and cry and yell and shake my fist in the air for all passing by to see. my attempts at self-deception leaves wounded men in my wake, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself they are mere annoyances.

i am a fucking bitch-ass-cunt. i hate me.

he doesn't hate me

_______ DOESN'T HATE ME. HE WAS SO SWEET AND KIND. I LOVED LISTENING TO HIS VOICE. I WAS SO TAKEN ABACK AT HOW HUMBLE AND CLEAR HE WAS IN HIS MANNER. HOW UNASSUMING AND STRAIGHT FORWARD. HOW HEALTHY. HERE WAS A MAN I CONSIDERED THE WORST DRUNK I HAVE EVER MET, AND NOW HE IS IN COLLEGE AGAIN, LIVING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AFTER BEING TOGETHER FOR OVER 3 YEARS. HE DOESN'T DRINK AT ALL NOW... IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR. HE IS STILL AT THE SAME JOB. HE IS SO CARING. I MUST HAVE KNOWN HE WAS ALL THESE THINGS. I FORGOT. things were so bad for so very long between us.

WHEN I MET HIM, HE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON I HAD EVER SEEN. I MAY STILL THINK THAT. ____ IS ALMOST AS BEAUTIFUL... or maybe they are even. IT'S HARD TO SAY WHO I LOVE MORE. THEY ARE BOTH RARE, exquisite BEAUTIES. I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE SHARED TIME WITH THEM. they both have the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen in my life.

I SENT ____ AN EMAIL OF APOLOGY 2 DAYS AGO. NO RESPONSE BUT THAT'S OK. JUST LIKE I WAS WILLING TO WAIT AS LONG AS IT TOOK UNTIL _______ FORGAVE ME, THAT'S WHAT I'M WILLING TO DO WITH ____. OMG. I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE I JUST SPOKE WITH _______! OF COURSE IT PAINS ME TO KNOW HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND HE DIDN'T WANT ME. BUT I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT I WOULDN'T BE HAPPY WITH HIM IN THE LONG RUN. I JUST WANTED TO BELIEVE THINGS COULD STAY THE WAY I WANTED THEM TO. BOTH OF THOSE GUYS SAW THAT THINGS WEREN'T GOING TO LAST, AND BOTH OF THEM HAD TO DEAL WITH WANTING ME YET KNOWING OUR RELATIONSHIPS WERE UNHEALTHY.

OF COURSE THIS MEANS I NEED TO ACCEPT THE INEVITABILITY OF ____ FALLING IN LOVE IF HE HASN'T ALREADY. BOTH OF THEM ARE PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN. BUT AT LEAST NOW, I KNOW THAT _______ DID LOVE ME, STILL HAS A PIECE OF ME INSIDE OF HIM, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE REST OF HIS LIFE. HE REMEMBERS WHY HE WANTED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. I HEARD IT IN HIS VOICE. HE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T HATE ME AND THERE WAS PLENTY OF WRONG THINGS THAT HE DID ON HIS END AND THAT I SHOULDN'T FEEL BAD. HE APOLOGIZED THROUGH ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. HE ALSO REASSURED ME WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK.

HE MENTIONED HE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND SEE A THERAPIST ONCE A MONTH. THAT'S INCREDIBLE. TO SEE THE STRIDES AND SUCESSES THAT HE HAS PERFORMED DURING THESE PAST FEW YEARS. INSPIRING TO SAY THE LEAST. I AM SO GLAD HE'S SOLID, BALANCED, AND HAPPY. HE SOUNDED GREAT, AND HE SOUNDED GLAD TO HEAR FROM ME. SO REASSURING. HE ASKED WHAT I WAS DOING, AND I SUMMED UP MY CURRENT PATHETIC SITUATION, BUT ADDED THAT I REALLY HOPE TO GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY one day... PERHAPS THROUGH TEACHING OVERSEAS OR THROUGH THE PEACE CORPS. AT THE END OF OUR CONVERSATION, I TOLD HIM I WAS PROUD OF HIM AND HAPPY FOR HIM, AND HE TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY, THAT I WOULD GET BACK TO WHERE I NEED TO BE AND I WILL GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY. BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT'S WHAT I WANTed. HE TOLD ME THAT I COULD GET WHAT I WANT... IN THAT MOMENT, ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE TO EVER HAD ENTER MY LIFE SHOWED ME HE BELIEVED IN ME. SOMEONE THAT HAD OVERCOME ODDS JUST AS AGAINST HIM AS ANY AGAINST ME. AND HE FORGAVE ME.

how much longer?

i've got this crazy idea in my head that my ex misses me and is really sorry and wants things to be smoother between us and for both of us to apologize and that he is lonely and alone and so on and i'm fucking crazy. there is no way his life is even half as pathetic as mine. i am too heavy, i have almost no friends, my family however loving is a lot more lame than his, my looks are not as good as his, his sex life would have to be non existent to mirror mine, and he would need to have slept with only the bottom of the barrel these last few months. i am sure he is sleeping with a woman he loves, and if not that, women that are hot and want him. i have no one but a young boy thousands of miles away that is kinda cute, kinda smart, and really not extraordinary. my exes are all just ok. nothing special. the best thing about any of them is that they wanted to stay with me. none of them are doing anything special with their lives. in fact, most are fucked up and lonely and losers just like me. ____ used me. he never loved me as anything more than just a friend. he knew he would never stay with me. he was getting the most out of the situation he found himself in with me until something better came along. just like when my ex-friend _______ would make plans with me just because she had nothing else to do, but would cancel without hesitation at anything else at all. jesus. i really have been sinking sooooo low this entire time. i mean my whole life. when anyone that seems remotely incredible shows any interest in me, i immediately sabatoge it just to avoid them finding out what i feel to be inevitable... that i am worthless and lame and disgusting. i swear, at times like these, i am glad i have such an aversion to suicide instilled in me thanks to religion. if nothing else, i still have retained that even though my faith in god is gone. my father that never was. shit. shit. shit. i cannot believe that anyone that feels the way that i do right now ever felt better down the road. i wish i could find inspirational stories about woman like me who moved onward and upward, but i know any story however close to what i have in mind will have holes in it.

i miss being in love. i miss that serene feeling in his arms. i miss knowing that he is there, sooner or later. shit, i waited and waited for that prick, so sure that if only i waited long enough, he would be there. be there. i just had to wait. i didn't care how long. as long as he didn't tell me, 'there is someone else' or, 'i am not in love with you now, nor will i ever be', i could wait. funny thing is, both of those things were true, they were happening. he was too much of a coward to tell me, too selfish to let me go when he was so dependent on what i supplied him, and i was too scared to let myself see how i was really being treated. i wanted to live in the fantasy because the truth was too fucking scary. i was fucked no matter what. if he left, if he stayed. him staying only put off the inevitable. i see that now. i didn't want to believe that when he told me the night he broke up with me. i wanted to believe we could work it out. but he had no intention of making the relationship work the way in wanted it to at any point ever ever ever.

i can not stand how much better everyone he knew was than me. the only ones that were not better than me were the ones he fucked before me that still wanted him and he still wanted their attention. i swear, out of the dozens of people who i met through him, only a handful considered me worthy of breath.

i want to be loved. i want to love myself. i want to not give a shit about what anyone thinks of me, but i hate me. i hate me. i hate me.

how much longer is this going to last???????????/

so good, so fucked

i don't know whether or not i'm crazy. this film made me realize there's a good chance i am and always have been. there must be a reason i'm so alone. i'm no good at connecting. i'm off on my own. like the woman in this movie, i haven't done anything in my life that makes me special except how i'm defined by what i mean to my blood relatives. her identity is wrapped entirely in pleasing her husband and children. i do the same. i wouldn't mind just dying sometimes, except then my family would be sad. friends would be over it relatively quickly, but family would suffer due to how they'd see themselves as a result.

god, i hope everything i just said about my family is wrong. part of me knows i'm wrong, but part of me wonders just what if things really are that dismal. ugh. it goes back to me not knowing what the fuck is going on. but it's worse than that... i more times than now think i DO know what's up, and that's when i REALLY get in trouble.

i'm so afraid i'll never be in love again. i'm so afraid i'll always pine for ___. i should have never ended up with him. it was all poison. i miss him every moment of everyday it seems. i wonder if i should move away from here afterall. i've stubbornly held out on even considering a change like that, because i'm concerned that it would only be a substitute for making more important, real changes. however, lately i'm wondering if i can feel free enough here in this town with all the reminders of my past nipping at my heels. christ. but shouldn't i face my past, my mistakes? would moving be quitting, escaping? shouldn't i perceiver despite the obstacles? or are these more like road blocks and i need a detour? i'm going to give it til the one year mark of the REAL breakup to give these thoughts any real credence.

anyway, in the meantime, it really sucks feeling like i'm crazy. it is sooooooooooo unbelievably lonely, oh fucking god. oh fucking god, i miss having someone to hold and someone to hold me. someone like ____. i wonder how he's feeling when he's with his new lover(s). does he love them more or less than he did me? it seems like the answer should be clear. it seems like he loves them more, otherwise, why leave me... but maybe my bad didn't outweigh my good, but my good is still stellar compared to their's? what i mean is, moments with me may be better than those with other woman since me, but overall, other woman are better than me because A)they have more in common and B) they aren't as fucking nuts and stupid as me. i don't know if anyone worth a damn will ever see enough good in me to help me with my faults, to stay in love with me despite them. i hate who i am, and although i keep trying to find ways to change that, a little everyday, there's the possibility THIS IS IT.

BLACKING OUT

OMG. I HATE BLACKING OUT. HARDLY EVER HAPPENS. BEEN A FUCKED UP WEEK THOUGH. OH JESUS. I GOT SO FUCKING DRUNK TWICE. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WENT OUT TO SEE SHOWS. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WAS ALONE AND DIDN'T HAVE SOMEONE ANCHORING ME. BOTH TIMES BECAUSE I WASN'T ANCHORING MYSELF. FUCK. I MISS ______. HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE TO HAVE HIM ON MY ARM (OR ME ON HIS. WHATEVER). MAYBE I'D FEEL SAFE. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'D BE WORRIED AND NOT FEEL SAFE. MAYBE IF I FELT SAFE IT WOULD BE FALSE, AND THEN I'D BE EVEN MORE FUCKED THAN I AM NOW. ARGH. DOESN'T MATTER. THIS IS ALL OLD, BORING BULLSHIT. DOESN'T MATTER THAT I'M ALONE, THAT THIS PERSON LEFT, OR THAT PERSON SUCKS, OR ANY OF THAT. I DON'T LIKE ME. I DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING, I DON'T LIKE HOW I LOOK (GOING TO THE GYM). I DON'T LIKE HOW BROKE I AM (TRYING TO PAY OFF CCS). I DON'T LIKE HOW DRUNK I GET (HANGING OUT WITH BETTER PEOPLE). I DON'T LIKE HOW LAME MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE... WAIT A SECOND. THEY'RE NOT TOO LAME. IF I FEEL OK, THEN I SEE THEM AS BEING OK. ARGH.

I HATE THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE. SO EMBARRESSING. I HATE THAT I DON'T REMEMBER SO MUCH OF THE END OF THE OTHER NIGHT. I COULD HAVE WALKED OUT OF THERE WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT. INSTEAD I'M JUST GLAD I DIDN'T LOSE MY WALLET OR JACKET. JESUS. FUCKING CHRIST. AND MY HEAD HURTS. AND I CAN'T GET MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO KEEP UP WITH ORDERS ANYWHERE CLOSE TO ON TIME. I CAN'T GET INSPIRED ENOUGH TO DELVE INTO ALL THE RICHES AT MY DISPOSALE. I NEED TO FIX UP MY PLACE SO I LOVE BEING THERE. JESUS, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TIME WHEN I'M ALWAYS SO FUCKING TIRED. ALWAYS SO FUCKING LONELY. ALWAYS SO SELF FUCKING CONSCIENCE.

I MISS ______. HE'S SO TALL, I CAN'T WAIT TO LAY IN THE SPOT RIGHT NEXT TO HIS TORSO, WHILE HE LAYS HIS ARM AROUND ME. I CAN BURROW AND SNUGGLE, AND HE'LL LAY THERE SO STILL AND SOMEWHAT STIFF, NOT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT TO DO, BUT PATIENT AND CONFIDENT ENOUGH IN HIMSELF THAT HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT. OH, I KNOW IT WILL FEEL SO GOOD, I'LL BE SO RELIEVED. I'LL BREATHE EASIER, AND I CAN HIDE FROM ALL THE REST OF THE BULLSHIT FOR AT LEAST A LITTLE WHILE. OH, I JUST HOPE THAT DAY DOES COME. I MAY BE MONTHS AND MONTHS. AND BY THEN, WILL IT ALL HAVE CHANGED? I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIS EVERYDAY LIFE TOO CLEARLY. I DON'T WANT HIM SEEING MINE. I NEED THIS. I NEED COMFORT. I NEED SIMPLICITY. FUCK. ARGH.

he is not mine

____ does not belong to me. when i saw that woman flirting with him last week, i got really mad, just as much as when he was my boyfriend. i have zero claim to him now, yet i FELT like i did.

that's what bothering me so much about finding that ad yesterday... the person who posted it was wanting what i feel to be MINE. but it ISN'T! i have to let go. i have to let go. i have to let go. i spent so long holding onto him and swatting away woman after woman to keep my hold over him as safe as i could. then i got angry that he wasn't helping me keep my hold safe. i then swatted with venenge and anger and spite. i felt my hold on him slipping, so i became more desparate. i lived day in and day out knowing my hold was all but gone, and here were the swarms desending on us, tearing him away while the whole time my clinging was only pushing instead. then he was gone, and my spite has remained. i need to let it go. i am alone except for that spite. better to be alone without that than with. it serves no purpose. i have no control over the swarms now even if i ever did then. there is absolutely no way for me to keep him away from all of them. nothing that will convince him to decide to stay away from them and either remain alone or long for me. nothing.

oh yeah, and there's this...

i should mention: i did well in school because i had something to prove to ______. i imagined showing him i did an amazing job despite him not supporting me or believing in me. then: i did well when i decided to throw my self into the lifestyle ______ introduced me once he left. i imagined his reaction to witnessing my creations, and made things with his opinions in mind. i wanted to show him i could be what he wanted now that it was impossible that we would ever be together again. now: i will keep in mind the discrimination and self-righteousness ____ displayed throughout my time with him, and i will mix that with what i know about him to be correct as far as his knowledge, taste, and education. i will surpass all that he has ever expected from me, and i will do so knowing that it is impossible that he and i could ever have an intimate moment alone ever again.

i know what i need to do!

just like when ______ left me in 1997... i embarked on creating a certain type of art then, and have since become one of the best out there. i have since reached a height within that realm that i aspired to, and have since reached as high as he was in that scene if not surpassed it. that man introduced me to a world that was my salvation. it was just the fit i needed. i slipped in smoothly and all the time it took was nothing because the process was of as much interest to me as the goals i meant to reach.

now is time for my new life. before _____ i was part of a criminal, dangerous, thrilling, clandestine, dishonest lifestyle that would have killed me if i had not escaped and retreated. now i find myself in the same place. i will die if i do not find a way to suceed soon. i think i just may have just now. i considered continuing with school as a way to succeed, but something was gnawing at me... now i know why. school is a necessary means that can be enjoyable, but it is not the ends. i know what the end is: a QUILT. and all the quilts that will become before and after.

there will be a quilt, possibly even more than one, that will embody all the beauty i am searching for. i will reveal it, possess it... i will discover it and show it to the world, like it is king kong displayed and embrazened in the heart of the city fresh from the wild jungle. it will be a storm of wind and fire, sure to cinge the tips of each spectators perceptions of all they are ever to face after that moment the quilt hits them. all the wildness will be mine, until it begins to fade. and then i will possess something different, something more than i did before that day, and with that will continue to create beauty and destroy subjugation.

and this will be the realm for which i suffered with ____ for so long. i need to remember why i wanted him at first... ALL the reasons, not just the reasons why i needed him to stay in the end. i need to remember the reasons i wanted him in the beginning: it was because he was a craftsman, an artist, a student. it was because i wanted in to the world he was a part of. i wanted introduction and initiation through him. i spent moments aware that if nothing else, i wanted to use him for this purpose. i need to remember all that i learned as a result of knowing him. all the places we went, discussions we had, people we met, and lovely pictures and objects we saw... and how they improved my stance each time. how they fueled my ambition and inspiration. i need to strip away all the dust, residue, and grime that was splattered across and over the arsenal i was stowing away for another day. like a treasure chest left in a remote desert that is slowing being covered with blowing sand and in danger of disappearing from sight, i need to retrieve my treasure.

bigger

I need to do something bigger. or just more of the same. i don't know. i know that things are not as i want them. i should have a better position in all things. i cannot keep surviving. it is sure to fail.

i need more comfort, more solace. i am burdened by everlasting turmoil and concern. always, constantly feeling like the water is up to my chin, past my neck... and it's rising. i always feel like that.

recently, there were times, moments when all was well. i was in a car. yes. that is what i need: a car. it is so impossible right now. luckily, i belong to a gym. i have a therapist. i'm trying to hold on to 2 therapists, but that is feeling like more of a burden than not right now. i have family. i have a job. i have a house.

what i would like to see gone is the cat that is at my house. i am tempted to rid it from there, but my roommate would be sad. i don't want to cause that kind of pain. i wish my cat were still around. or, i wish i knew what happened to him. i never will. the closest i can come is to construct a probable story, and believe in that. it sometimes helps to reduce or alieve the pain of the guilt and the longing, sometimes it doesn't.

i have someone i'm involved with. it could end at anytime, and there would be almost nothing i could do to stop that if it were his doing. i know that sounds self-evident, but to me it's a sort of a revelation.

just now, i caught myself thinking about my ex's view of me, or rather my perception of his view of me. i was holding his view of all things as being of extreme value compared to all that i know. this has to change. i think the way i can go about changing this is to remind myself over and over his view is one of many. it is not without value, however, there are others that are of more value. the more i learn about this world will lead to the sort of experiences and encounters that will show me these valuable perceptions.

i miss so many things that are now gone from my life since i am no longer in school. returning to school is up there with a car: impossible right now. possible later.

all i can do right now is: 1) go to the gym often. 2) stay in touch with ______ knowing that things could change for either of us in an instant. 3) clean and improve my house. 4) stay on top of my bills until i can start to demolish them. 5) keep myself open to new experiences and new people that will add to my life. 6) show up for work and do my job well. 7) avoid those persons, places, and things that cause me to only suffer in the long run.

hung up

WOW. NOW I'M ALL HUNG UP. YET AGAIN. JESUS. I MUST BE THE MOST FUCKING ANNOYING I DON'T KNOW WHAT. DOESN'T MATTER. I AM JUST FEELING MORE NUMB THAN ANYTHING. I JUST HOPE I CAN NOT FEEL DEPRESSED. FUCK TRYING FOR HAPPY. I JUST CRASH. NO... I'LL JUST HOLD ON UNTIL SOMETHING BIG CHANGES. IF IT TAKES A LOT OF LITTLE THINGS UNTIL I SEE A MAJOR IMPROVEMENT, THAT WORKS. NOT LOOKING FOR A MIRACLE. JUST WANT SOME PEACE FOR NOW. YEAH. DONE WITH LAME BULLSHIT. DONE WITH REGRESSING... WAIT. THAT'S A LIE. I AM NEVER DONE WITH BULLSHIT. I CREATE IT WHENEVER I CAN. NO MATTER. I KNEW THIS WAS NO GOOD. NOW I FEEL OBLIGATED AND NEEDY AT THE SAME TIME. FORMULA FOR CLINGY AND ANNOYING. JESUS. DONE I GUESS. DONE. DONE. DONE.

do you really hope you'll never see me again?

WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU COULDN'T DO FOR ME THAT I NEEDED? YOU SAID YOU had LOVED ME AND THAT YOU WENT THROUGH PAIN WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME WHAT I NEEDED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT that is. WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU THOUGHT I NEEDED FROM YOU THAT YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME? PLEASE DON'T BE VAUGE. BE VERY SPECIFIC. EXPLAIN IT TO ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND I'M IN PAIN NOW BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW STILL.

AND DID YOU REALLY MEAN YOU HOPED YOU'D NEVER SEE ME AGAIN? THE MOMENT YOU TOLD ME, I KNEW IT WAS PROBABLY ENTIRELY TRUE, BUT I ALSO THOUGHT MAYBE IT WASN'T. MAYBE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. I FEEL LIKE IF IT WERE A CERTAINtY FOR YOU, I MAY BE BETTER OFF IF I BELIEVED IT AND KNEW THERE WAS NO CHANCE FOR CHANGE... IT MAKES SENSE THAT I WOULD HAVE TO ACCEPT IT THEN, AND THAT WOULD BE THE KEY TO SUCCESS FOR MY HURT. BUT I'M SO SCARED TO FACE THAT... I would have to face that my deeds and actions lead to this, that it isn't just your fault, that i could have done things differently, and now i don't know what to do. i would have to face that i did something horrible enough to run off a person i have loved and still love.

if i never get the courage to face my errors, i would then NEED FOR THERE TO BE A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU STILL HAVE A NEED ME, BECAUSE I HAVE A NEED FOR YOU THAT OTHERS CAN'T TOUCH. I'M AFRAID THAT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE, AND THEN I'LL BE SCREWED AND UNABLE TO LOVE AGAIN. I NEED ONE OF TWO THINGS. YOU TO STILL NEED ME AND FOR US TO RESOLVE THIS IN THE LONG RUN, OR FOR ME TO NO LONGER HAVE A NEED FOR YOU. I PREFER THE FORMER, WILL SETTLE FOR THE LATTER, AND WILL SUFFER IF I GET NEITHER.

i can't believe i actually saw you last night

oh jesus, it was so incredibly good seeing you. having contact with you. i know we were going back and forth with pointing out what the other did wrong and defending what we thought we each did right. i know it was a fight, but it didn't feel like that. my emotions were so alive right then, just because i have MISSED you so much for so long, and now i had you there. it was safe... we weren't alone, it wasn't a surprise that we both happened to be there. it was a place we had stood together many times before, but not a place where we had been intimate.

you looked good. at the time, i didn't feel the urge to touch you or be touched, but remembering our interaction last night, my mind drifts into fantasies where you hold me, embrace me, and stare into my eyes while you run your hands over my hair, brushing it from my face, touching my skin softly with your finger tips while you make affectionate shh-ing noises and smile.

ah! that's all bullshit of course. at the time, i didn't even entertain such a notion. it was way more thrilling being in the midst of a battle of the old kind we're so used to. it feels like we're sharpening our blades on one another after eveyone else has left us dull. at least for me... i don't know with certainty that you hold me in a place higher than most like i do you. i do know that my gut tells me i'm just one of many for you... one of many women you'd like to fuck, one of many woman who make you laugh, one of many women who fit your 'type' (which, unsurprisingly, looks just like your mom), one of many woman who come somewhat close to your intelligence. it kills me that i'm not nearly as special in your book as you led me to believe. you fucking liar.

anyway, i woke up feeling great today. i could say it's because i finally was able to show you a bit of what it is like when i call you out on every bit of your game-playing, manipulative, dishonest, monster-like behavior, but that's not the whole truth (in other words: an 'omissive' lie... look it up). instead i have to admit that i woke up feeling great today because i love you. 'i love you' doesn't really cover what it is i mean, but suffice to say it had more to do with feeling a rush of relief and pleasure with you in my presence than not.

you said things like 'we can never be friends again', and 'i hope i never see you again'. and i agree... to a point. because never is a word that never really works, you know? i think i'll always believe there's a chance we can resolve what there is between us. i just don't find it at all likely. and the biggest reason is: your insincerity. even if you were to embark on trying to rebuild something of any form what so ever with me, it would only be to feed your fucked up, twisted, sick ego... to add me to your ever-widening harem of exes you like to keep strung along. it would have nothing to do with true remorse.

you mentioned feeling regret and remorse over some your actions... but i don't believe that. you're not sorry you did it, you're sorry you couldn't indefinately get away with it. you said you really loved me. i wish i knew that were true. you say that, but you didn't show me that! don't say it if you're not going to show it! don't say you loved me after all the shit you did to me. break up with me, fuck me when you know i want you back, but you don't want me still, get back with me anyway only to leave me the first time it looks like you don't have to be alone again because some dumb ass girl doesn't yet see you for who you are and is buying into the facade your putting up. don't say you love me, you fucking liar. love is reserved for people who TRY.

may december

OK, SO I'M INVOLVED WITH A TWENTY YEAR OLD. IT'S KINDA AWESOME AND KINDA DISTURBING AT THE SAME TIME. THAT'S GOOD. THE FLIPSIDE WOULD BE IF I WERE TOTALLY SHAMELESS AND WAS BRAGGING ABOUT IT TO ANYONE WITH A WORKING EAR, AND THINKING SOMETHING STUPID LIKE "IT'S LOVE", OR "I'M GOING TO DEMI MOORE HIS FINE ASS". THAT HAPPENS TO BE WHAT MY 40 SOMETHING SISTER IS DOING (I'M 30 SOMETHING... THE BOYS ARE OF COMPARABLE AGE).

IT'S FUNNY... HER AND I BOTH END UP WITH A WAAAAAAAAAAY YOUNGER GUY AT THE VERY SAME TIME. THE TIMING COULDN'T HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR ME. JUST WHEN MY THOUGHTS WERE TURNING TO UNREALISTIC FANTASY, AND I STARTED ENTERTAINING CRAZY IDEAS INVOLVING COMMITMENT AND FULFILLMENT, HERE COMES BIG SIS ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT, WRECKING HER LIFE, HER SONS' LIVES, AND WITH NO SIGN OF LETTING UP. SHE IS just ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF ONE OF THE MANY INFLUENCES IN MY LIFE THAT HAS MADE MISTAKES AND NOT LEARNED FROM THEM. I REFUSE TO BE THAT OBLIVIOUS. TRUE, I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M NOT A GENIUS, BUT I WON'T LAY DOWN AND PRETEND TO MYSELF THAT I'M RETARDED JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO INDULGE SELFISH, PSYCHOTIC WHIMS OVER AND OVER RATHER THAN SEARCH FOR THE SATISFACTION THAT COMES FROM BUILDING TRUST UPON RESPECT AND MUTUAL, HONEST AGREEMENT (AND NO, I'M NOT BEING NAIVE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.)

a fucking lie.

I AM AT SUCH A LOSS. I AM SO INCREDIBLY MAD AT MYSELF FOR HOW HORRIBLE I LOOK. IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I AM OLDER AND MY FACE HAS WRINKLES AND IT HANGS THE WAY IT DOES. IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I'M JUST NOT THAT PRETTY AND MY SKIN IS NOT NICE. BUT TO LET MY STOMACH GO?!?!? AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BUST. I MEAN, MOST 12 YEAR OLDS HAVE MORE THAN I DO. AND REALLY, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT IS AN ISSUE IN IT'S SELF, BUT WHEN I HAVE A FUCKED UP CURVATURE OF MY SPINE THAT MAKES MY AMPLE ASS STICK OUT FURTHER THAN IT ALREADY DOES, AND WHEN MY STOMACH WILL NEVER BE CONCAVE FROM THE SIDE BECAUSE OF SAID CURVATURE, I CAN NOT AFFORD A HUGE STOMACH!!! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF! I HATE HOW I LOOK, I HATE HOW I ACT, I HATE HOW LITTLE I HAVE, HOW LITTLE I'VE DONE, HOW MUCH I'VE LOST AND LET GO. I FUCKING HATE IT ALL. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND BEING HERE ON THIS EARTH THE WAY IT IS. I WANT TO FIND A HOLE WHERE NOTHING HAPPENS TO HURT ME OR REMIND ME OF HOW INEPT I AM AND HOW MEAN TOO MANY OTHERS ARE. BUT SHORT OF SUICIDE OR HERION, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. IT'S A LOT MORE FESIOBLE TO THINK OF ONE DAY GETTING A HANDLE ON MY GOALS, MY DETERMINATION, MY EMOTIONS, BUT IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO DO THAT WHEN I HAVE LOSS AFTER LOSS EATING AWAY AT ME AND I SEE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT AND LEFT ME DOING INCREDIBLY WELL DESPITE BEING SELFISH AND MEAN. I AM JUST PLAIN STUPID, AND IT'S NEVER BEEN ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT. I AM WORTH KEEPING COMPANY WHEN BEING USED, BUT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO FIND REAL JOY WITH ANOTHER PERSON. I SUPPLY NONE OF THAT. I AM DISGUSTING, I SHOULDN 'T BE HERE. I AM MERELY FOOD THAT OTHERS FEED ON SO THEY CAN GROW STRONGER AND MORE POWERFUL. I FUCKING HATE THEM FOR NOT NEEDING ME LIKE I NEED THEM. I HATE THAT I AM NOT AS BIG AN ASSHOLE AS SO MANY OTHERS SO THAT I CAN BENEFIT FROM BEING ABLE TO WALK ALL OVER OTHERS AND ACCUMULATE, ACCUMULATE, ACCUMULATE. I MOSTLY HATE MY EX FOR LEAVING ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING. I HATE MYSELF MORE FOR LETTING THAT HAPPEN IN FIRST PLACE... LETTING MYSELF BELIEVE THAT I ONLY NEEDED HIM AND THAT IT WAS EVEN POSSIBLE TO HOLD ONTO HIM IN MY LIFE WITHOUT HAVING TO CONSTANTLY TURN A BLIND EYE TO HIS LYING AND CHEATING. I HATE NEEDING ANYONE OR ANYTHING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M ALIVE. I NO LONGER HAVE JOY OR ANYTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER GOTTEN HAPPY ABOUT HAS BEEN A LIE. A FUCKING LIE.

clingy

I'VE BEEN MAKING FRIENDS WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE... EITHER HANGING ONTO SOMEONE WHO WAS PUSHING ME AWAY ONLY TO BE DROPPED LIKE A BRICK EVENTUALLY, OR LETTING PEOPLE HANG ONTO ME WHEN I NEEDED WAY MORE SPACE THAN THEY WERE LETTING ME HAVE, ONLY TO BE DESERTED ONCE THEY FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO HANG ON TO.

I'M GLAD TO BE RID OF OLD GARBAGE NONE OF THOSE RELATIONSHIPS WERE HEALTHY, THEY WERE ALL CO-DEPENDENT (clingy), AND NOW ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE FREE TO EITHER LEARN FROM THAT OR CONTINUE CO-DEPENDANCY WITH SOMEONE ELSE. SAME FOR ME... NOW THERE IS ROOM IN MY LIFE FOR RELATIONSHIPS THAT DON'T FILL ME WITH DREAD, ANNOYANCE AND HURT.

SO THAT'S A FRIEND...

ALL WINTER, ______ WOULDN'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I WAS GOING THROUGH A SUPER FUCKED UP DEPRESSION OF MY OWN, AND HERE SHE IS BEING CLINGY, NAGGY, AND ON TWO OCCASIONS, VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE. I WAS FIRM AND CLEAR WITH HER WHEN I DISCUSSED MY NEEDS AND FEELINGS, AND DID EVERYTHING TO VALIDATE AND SOOTHE HER FEELINGS WHILE STILL MAINTAINING AND ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES.

CUT TO SUMMER, AND NOW SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. HAVING A BOYFRIEND IS ABOUT THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND AT THIS POINT, SO RIGHT THERE, I'M FEELING A RIFT. I NOTICE WHENEVER WE TALK ON THE PHONE, OR SEE ONE ANOTHER, HE IS EITHER THERE, OR SHE IS LONELY AND NEEDING TO BE WITH ME UNTIL HE'S AROUND AGAIN. EVERYTHING GOES BACK TO HIM. I SEE HOW DISGUSTING THIS IS, AND OF COURSE, THIS IS HOW I WAS WHEN I WAS WITH ____.

SO, I DECIDE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO TO BE DONE WITH AN OLD FRIEND. THIS ONE TOO HAS A BOY, BUT THAT'S NOT THE REASON, JUST AN ANNOYANCE REALLY. THAT IS THE CHERRY ON TOP OF THE TON OF ICE CREAM THAT IS HER INSINCERITY, DISHONESTY, DISGUSTING CHARACTER. I REALIZED SHE WOULD BETRAY ME IF THE SITUATION PRESENTED ITSELF. SHE'S THE TYPE TO CHEAT WITH HUSBANDS, SLEEP WITH GUYS HER FRIENDS ARE HOPING TO HOOK UP WITH, ETC. SHE HAS LIED TO ME ABOUT MONEY, SHE HAS INSULTED ME WITH NAME CALLING BEHIND MY BACK, SHE HAS FLAKED ON PLANS, ETC... SO I'M DONE. I TELL ______ ALL ABOUT THIS, AND THEN THE THOUGHT OCCURS TO ME; WHAT IF SHE WERE TO BE DONE WITH ME?

ANYWAY, THAT'S PROBABLY NOT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT IS HAPPENING IS I HAVE GONE WAAAAAAAAAY DOWN ON HER LADDER OF PRIORITIES. FIRST SHE NEEDS ME CONSTANTLY, THEN SHE DOESN'T NEED ME AT ALL. SHE LEAVES ME APOLOGETIC MESSAGES THAT ARE MEANT TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL BETTER RATHER THAN ACTUALLY RESOLVE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HOW I'M FEELING DUE TO HER ACTIONS. I CALLED HER CRYING ABOUT THIS THE OTHER NIGHT... AFTER LISTENING TO ME AND ACKNOWLEDGING HER END OF THINGS, SHE SEEMED LIKE SHE'D PUT ME A NOTCH OR TWO HIGHER ON THE LADDER. I MEAN, I'M NOT WANTING IT LIKE THIS PAST WINTER... THAT WAS UNFAIRLY TOO MUCH! BUT IN LIGHT OF WHAT SHE KNOWS ABOUT HOW 2 OF THE MOST IMPORTANT FRIENDS I'VE HAD ARE BOTH GONE FROM MY LIFE NOW, AND IN LIGHT OF ME BRINGING UP MY VIEW OF HER ACTIONS, I REQUIRED A NOTCH OR TWO, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE CONVEYED WOULD HAPPEN AS OF RIGHT THEN. 2 DAYS LATER, IT'S THE SAME SHIT. SHE'S TOO BUSY TO CALL ME BACK WHEN WE PLAN ON TALKING. SHE CALLS LATER, AFTER THE FACT, TO APOLOGIZE AND 'HOPE I'M NOT MAD'.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HER ALL OF THIS ANOTHER WAY. OBVIOUSLY, TO ME AT LEAST, I AM NOT IMPORTANT TO HER NOW LIKE I WAS, AND DISCUSSING IT WON'T CHANGE THAT. SHE HAS LET ME DOWN, SHOWN HERSELF TO BE A HYPOCRITE, AND IF SHE EVER DOES NEED ME AGAIN IN ANY CAPACITY, THERE WILL EXIST A WIDENED RIFT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRANSVERSIBLE.

demands

WHAT I WANT FROM ___:

TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO COME CLEAN WITH HIM AND APOLOGIZE SO I CAN POSSIBILY CLEAR MY CONSCIENCE, AND HE CAN KNOW THE TRUTH, BUT ONLY IF HE WANTS to really know the whole truth, AND ONLY IF IT ISN'T LIKELY TO BE DETRIMENTAL TO TELL HIM.

WHAT I WANT FROM ____:

TO QUIETLY NOT HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN, NOT CONTACT HIM, AND NOT BOTHER LOOKING AT HIS FACEBOOK SO I DON'T HAVE TO CONTINUE TO BRUISE MY EGO. THERE IS A LEVEL OF INTIMACY THAT BOTH OF WANT, BUT NOT WITH ONE ANOTHER, AND NOW IT CAN ONLY BE AWKWARD IF WE ARE MORE THAN FRIENDS. I WOULD PREFER TO NOT HAVE TO DISCUSS THIS, AND TO FONDLY REGARD EACH OTHER WHEN WE HAPPEN TO RUN INTO ONE ANOTHER. OTHERWISE, WE CAN DISCUSS THIS THE NEXT TIME WE MAKE PLANS TOGETHER. IF HE DOESN'T BRING IT UP, I WILL.

WHAT I WANT FROM _______:

I WANT HER TO GO AWAY. I DO NOT TRUST HER. THERE HAVE BEEN TOO MANY TIMES WHEN I HAVE FELT HER TO BE DISHONEST, OR INSINCERE. I HAVE WITNESSED HER BETRAY MARRIAGES AND FRIENDS, I HAVE CAUGHT HER IN LIES AT LEAST TWICE (THE MONEY, THE RIDE TO THE _____). I FEEL USED WHEN SHE NEEDS FAVORS AND I FEEL LIKE SHE IS FAKE AND INSULTING WHEN MAKING EXCUSES. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I FEEL LIKE REMAINING A PART OF HER LIFE MEANS IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE SHE PERFORMS SOME TRANSGRESSION THAT WILL BE NEITHER HIDDEN NOR SUBTLE, BUT INSTEAD WILL BE A DEVASTATING DISPLAY OF BETRAYAL, NOT UNLIKE THOSE I'VE EXPERIENCED FROM THE MEN IN MY PAST.

as for both ____ and _______; I DO NOT WANT TO BE MADE A FOOL OF, I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIED TO, I DO NOT WANT TO BE USED. RATHER THAN GO INTO DETAIL with people just so they can DISPUTE EACH POINT AS IF IT STOOD ALONE, I WILL LET them KNOW what MY GUT IS TELLING ME, and that is TO STAY AWAY. I WILL ACCQUIESE [?] TO THE FACT THAT I COULD BE WRONG, BUT I WILL ALSO DISPLAY MY INDIFFERENCE TO THAT FACT by alerting them to the fact IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST, NOR THE LAST TIME i've been wrong if that's the case, and i'd rather error in favor of me.

things will come up

damned co-workers sending mass emails to everyone in the dept, thinking it's cute and harmless. little do they know one of those pictures is the exact same cartoon that my ex special ordered on a t-shirt for me once.

it was one of the gifts from him i returned in the mail along with his mixed cds and artwork he gave me. god i fucking hate what he did. i miss him so much, and it hurts relentlessly. i hate myself for digging such a big hole for myself... it's so hard to get out. i try to inch my way up and scale these walls to get to the top so i can get out, then a stupid fucking co-worker sends an unsolicited email with annoying cartoons telling everyone to "cheer up, it's friday!". i'll fucking cheer up once i'm out of this fucking building, dumbass!

done with her too...

ok, so i'm done with _______. i have a gut feeling, i'm following it, i'm not down for discussion. i've felt this way about her for a long time. i don't trust her, i'm disgusted by her actions with others, and now she's obviously avoiding calling me and instead placating me with texts that mention how much she 'misses and loves' me. at first i was concerned about my lack of friends, but i now see holding onto her isn't worth it. i was then concerned about what other's would think since she's the one who's so much more social than i am, then i realized i don't give a damn what anyone thinks if they don't know my side.

i'm just tired of trying to hold onto scraps. i am surviving. i can prosper if only i stop setttling. i shouldn't give up any and everything. just shift my focus is all.

anyway, i have a ticket she's paid me half down for and some clothing of hers she probably wants. i'm going to have fun with blowing her off if she comes for either, and i'll have that much less hassle in my life if she doesn't.

one more thing; i'm pretty sure there's some connection with ____ here. that is about as disgusting as a betrayal as someone could pull on me. and from what i know about her and her actions with other men and women, friends and lovers, i wouldn't be surprised. hurt, sick... sure. that's why if i never talk to her again it's no different than how i feel about ____. i can never trust another word out of her mouth ever again. after not getting in touch with me after these past couple of days, i now see her more clearly than ever.

classic borderline behavior

cnn: '...the classic borderline behavior is to feel smothered by intimacy whenever others come close and to feel completely terrified about being abandoned if they move back. A classic borderline move is to dump anyone who wants you and cling desperately to anyone who wants to get away from you.'

anyway, here i was worrying yesterday that ____ may end up liking me too much, and just today i freaked for a moment when i, out of a feeling of obligation, texted him about hanging out soon, expected him to put me on the spot as far as making the decision whether to hang out today or tomorrow, and instead texted he is busy and will call tomorrow. i mean, i'm thinking, 'what if he can tell i'm not that into him, and his ego is bruised, and he's distancing himself'. 'what if,' i thought, 'he thinks i'm a jerk because he's been so generous and nice, and here i am acting like a opportunist.' and so on and so on. jesus, if he calls tomorrow and is at all eager or happy on the phone, i'll swing right back to feeling trapped. i have some serious work to do. i'm just glad i know it!

i'm no longer emailing that jerk

argh. i would love to be able to get through to that man. i loved him once. i would so easily be able to love him again if he were to try... i know there's something of value within him. no matter, too much has been said and done, and it's becoming less and less important that he know what is going on with me day after day. it's becoming more and more important to me to rediscover myself and my strength.

i am reading 'All the Pretty Horses'. pretty phenomenal. this struck me like a brick:

Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I'd always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it was always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals came easily.

btw: i forgot how good pink floyd is...

I GOT ME SOME

OK, SO I WAS ON A MISSION. IT TURNED OUT PRETTY AWESOME. I WAS THINKING 'MAN', BUT ENDED UP WITH A 'WOMAN', AND OMG, IT WAS FUN. I WANT TO GO BACK AND DO THIS, AND TRY THAT... SHE WAS SO WILLING AND HOT. OF COURSE THE NEXT MORNING (IT WAS ACTUALLY AFTERNOON BY THE TIME I WOKE), IT WAS AWKWARD AND SLIGHTLY ANNOYING. I'M ASSUMING THAT WENT FOR BOTH OF US. WHILE WE WERE IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL, IT WAS EXCITING AND WE WERE DRUNK/HIGH. I KEEP RUNNING IT OVER IN MY HEAD, BUT RELIVING IT IS ALMOST NOT WORTH IT, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AND I WANT IT TO BE SOON. WITH HER WOULD BE OK, BUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEONE NEW, SOMEONE IN ADDITION WOULD BE EVEN BETTER.

SO, I WAS PUSHY AND UNETHICAL... TO A POINT. I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT BEING HONEST THESE DAYS, BUT THERE ARE OBVIOUSLY FLAWS IN MY SYSTEM. I WON'T BOTHER DISCUSSING THEM. I AM HIDING FROM IT SO OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM. NOT OUT LOUD.

I'M THINKING I'M ACTING OUT IN THIS WAY BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE NO ONE WILL HAVE ME. I WANT TO BE DESIRED, I WANT TO FEEL POWER. I WANT PLEASURE. I WANT ENTERTAINMENT. THESE MOMENTS THAT I EXPERIENCE IN REAL LIFE AFTER SPENDING NIGHT AFTER NIGHT FANTASIZING ABOUT ARE MOMENTS WHEN I DON'T FEEL SO EMPTY AND THEY DETER REMINDERS THAT FULFILLMENT FOR ME IS STILL SO VERY FAR AWAY.

EITHER THAT, OR IT'S JUST PLAIN FUN ;)

extensive

right now i'm spending all my money on going to see ____ and travel out east. i'm all about breaking even, but really i'm trying to get ahead. if i can't get ahead from making money at the shows, i need to find ways to cut expenses and make more money while i'm home. the reason being, i need to get out of the hole i'm in debt wise, otherwise i'm trapped in my job. if not this job i have currently, then another job. any job is a trap. i need to travel. i need to create. i need to not have a routine. it's killing my soul.

once i get out of immediate debt and out of default on my major loan, then i have options. my main goal is to travel extensively abroad. either many places all over the globe, or extended stays in remote places. ways i can do this are: save up, peace corps, teach english. it's not very important to me to have children or fall in love if instead not doing so allows me the freedom to see this world before i leave it forever. i have people in my life that i love, and anyone that would enter from this point on wouldn't be very much different from anyone i've already experienced. therefore, more loved ones would mean risking missing out on new experiences and happiness in return for redundancy.

on the other hand, there is a chance that a new loved one may blow away any relationship i've ever had before, and would be worth sacrificing the possibility of extensive travel. however, i find it unlikely that i would meet such a person while i toil away at my job while my soul leaks steadily down the drain.

want

MORE FRIENDS
BETTER JOB
CAR
NEW BIKE
MORE VISITS WITH FAMILY
MORE CONCERTS
NATIONAL PARK VISITS
EXTENDED TRAVEL ABROAD
OUT OF DEFAULT
IMMEDIATE CCS PAID OFF
BETTER SKIN
BETTER SHAPE
BETTER WARDROBE
LESS ANXIETY
MORE CONFIDENCE
BETTER COMMUTE
READ MORE OFTEN
CHESS PARTNER
PAINT THE WHOLE HOUSE
CLEAR OUT THE BACKYARD
CATCH UP WITH OWED PROJECTS
BACK IN SCHOOL
GREAT HAIRCUT/DRESSER

days

I AM FINDING MYSELF UPSET AT THE IDEA OF _______ NOT GETTING BACK TO ME. IGNORING ME. DONE WITH ME. BUT I WASN'T THAT INTO HIM!!! I AM FALLING INTO THIS IDEALIZATION, AND I'M FALLING INTO THIS PIT WHERE I PRETEND TO MYSELF I WILL FEEL SAFE AND COMFORTABLE AND LOVED IF I CAN SUSTAIN HIS ATTENTION. BUT THE THING IS, IF HE WERE TO SPLIT, THAT LEAVES OPEN THE POSSIBILITY OF SOMEONE I REALLY AM INTO. _______ IS PRETTY GREAT, BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN FACTORS THAT ARE LACKING. AND HERE I AM A WEEK INTO THIS GETTING ALL RILED UP! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I SHOULDN'T BE DOING MORE THAN GOING ON DATES.

ANYWAY, I COULD BE PRETTY WRONG ABOUT THIS WORST CASE SCENARIO IN MY HEAD, SO IT'S BEST TO WORK ON BEING OK NOT SEEING OR HEARING FROM ONE ANOTHER FOR DAYS AND DAYS IN A ROW. I REALLY NEED TO STRENGTHEN THAT. IT IS EXACTLY WHAT GOT ME ALL FREAKED OUT WHILE I WAS WITH ____.

resources

I CAN'T STOP THINKING THAT AT EVERY MOMENT, I AM BEING ABANDONED. WHEN I DON'T HEAR FROM A FRIEND, I ASSUME THEY ARE DONE WITH ME. EVEN MORE SO WHEN IT COMES TO A GUY. I COULD HAVE SPENT A GREAT DAY AND NIGHT WITH A GUY, HAVING A LOT OF FUN, AND HE HAVING FUN TOO. THEN I THINK OF ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD HAVE CROSSED HIS MIND SINCE THEN AND ALL THE REASONS WHY HE WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE ME EVER AGAIN. THEN I WONDER HOW I WILL EVER HAVE A FRIENDSHIP THAT WILL BE DEPENDABLE AND LASTING, OR IF I AM DUE TO GO FROM ONE FRIEND TO ANOTHER, ONE MAN TO ANOTHER, UNTIL I GET OLDER AND LESS AND LESS OF VALUE TO OTHERS, UNTIL I AM ALL ALONE AND POOR AND HOPELESS, AND TOO COWARDLY TO COMMIT SUICIDE. AND I THINK, IF I'M DOOMED TO END UP LIKE THAT ONE DAY, WHY AM I EVEN HERE NOW? ANY ENJOYMENT I EXPERIENCE IS FLEETING AND IF ANYTHING, JUST MAGNIFYING IT'S LOSS ONCE IT IS GONE. IT MAKES ME WISH I WAS ALL RIGHT WITH JUST READING AND SEWING, READING AND SEWING... BUT I'M NOT. IF GOTTEN A TASTE FOR HUMANS. I'VE TASTED THEM AND NOW I'M HOOKED ON THAT CRAVING FOR THEIR COMPANIONSHIP, FOR THEIR MIRRORS AND THEIR TREATS. FOR THE RUSH OF BEING LIKE, WANTED, ADMIRED. I WISH I DIDN'T WANT IT. I WISH I WASN'T SO WEAK TO HAVE GIVEN INTO NEEDING PEOPLE. I WANT TO BE ALONE, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES WITHIN.

swamp

DON'T WORRY. EVERYTHING IS FINE. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, NOTHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG. WHEN YOU FEEL PAIN, IT IS FLEETING, PASSING. THOSE FEELINGS FELT ARE ONLY MOMENTS. OVERALL YOU ARE OK. YOU HAVE YOUR SOUL, YOUR STRENGTH. YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS, AND YOU ARE NOT STRAYING INTO BLEAK, UNCHARTED WATERS. YOU ARE IN A WONDROUS SWAMP, AND YOU ARE ON A WELL WORN PATH. THE SURROUNDINGS AND CANOPY ARE AS BEAUTIFUL AS THEY ARE DAUNTING. AS LONG AS YOU CONTINUE TO REVERE IT'S POWER AND SCALE, YOU WILL BE CARRIED ALONG AND SURE TO REACH IT'S REWARDING CLEARINGS AND TRIBUTARIES. THERE IS BLUE SKY EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER TO LOOK BETWEEN THE VINES AND BRANCHES AND NOT ONLY INTO THE DARK BARK AND CAVERNOUS BOTTOM DWELLINGS WHERE THE AQUATIC, UNFAMILIAR CREATURES LIVE AND THRIVE. YOUR PLACE IS AMONG THE FRESH, CLEAN AIR... AMONG THE TOWERING PILLARS REACHING TO THE TOP OF THE SKY ITSELF. YOU CAN GO THERE TOO.

damned

as soon as i have sex with the guy, i know there isn't a spark. the next morning, i just want to be alone so i can sleep in peace, i can't stand the thought of cuddling. i really like this guy, but i'm not feeling more for him than friendship.

he doesn't call me and i don't think a thing of it. i know his birthday is in a couple of days, and i'm glad he took the hints i was dropping and didn't put either of us in the position where i would have to say no if he were to invite me out with him and his friends.

his birthday comes and i start to feel bad. 'should i have hinted he should invite me?' i thought. 'maybe he didn't want me there... it's not as if he for sure is missing me wishing i were there...'

now i want him to know it's up to him. i don't know what the hell i'm doing or what i really want. maybe he can be patient enough to put up with me until i see what's right, and maybe he already knows what that is. i call and leave a message.

a half hour goes by. and then another hour. and then the whole night. i cried softly to myself in my bed waiting for sleep. i fuck up no matter what i do. i'm doomed. good for no one, interested in no one. alone forever.

next day now... if he never calls me again it's best for him. i'm no good. i wouldn't be nice enough to him. i'm not a good enough person for a real relationship. all i really can handle is what it takes to remain distracted from the hell we live in for a few hours at a time.

home-wreckers

i am freaked out whenever i see that bitch that is being hailed as most admired, feminist icon... she stole a man from another woman. at least, that's how it seems to me. i know that the man choose her. what i'm upset about is this... plain and simple jealousy. the man that leaves one woman for another is only doing what is best for him, which is what anyone should do. if there is lying involved, that is a separate matter. if the man was honest the whole time, then it's ok. if he lied and left the person he lied to hurt and alone, and is now happy with someone he likes better, god how that hurts!!! why does he deserve that? unless of course there is something the original woman did to deserve such hurt. does kidding and fooling one's self count? probably.

when _______ cheated on me and lied to me there were enough factors before hand that i should have dealt with. if i had, i would have averted certain disaster:

he wasn't answering my calls. he wasn't acting like he liked me. he wasn't into having sex with me. these were all behaviors that cropped up all of a sudden, totally different than before that trip where he met her. i asked him about it and he told me 'he was tired'. i shouldn't have believed him. when the day of the show came up and he didn't answer his phone, i should have prepared myself for finding out some horrible truth. i could have handled it differently. it all goes back to not having gotten reliant on him for emotional support. he was 9 years younger than me and all we did was get high and drunk. he was not someone i was interested in the first few months of dating, yet i settled on him later on because my real interest had moved away. i should have remained single and open to dating other people.

when i met ____ he put up dozens of warning flags, and i ignored them all, thinking i could change his mind. i was so afraid that if i did anything other than coddle him, he's disappear. that was true, but what i should have been more concerned with was that if i started out coddling him, he would always come to expect it and that he would take more and more advantage of me over time. i was wrong to think he would appreciate my generosity. instead he resented me for luring him into feelings of obligation. when i broke up with him after i realized he was carrying on with that cunt, i should have remained away. instead, i was already too deep after putting up with a dozen times prior over that first year when it was obvious he was lying about his feelings for other women. i allowed a disgusting excuse for an adult man into my realm and relied on him for feelings of trust, safety, and belonging. non of that would have happened if i hadn't allowed that other fucker _______ from convincing me to adore him through sheer persistence rather than attraction and admiration.

now here i am finally ready to begin dating again. i am sooooooo weary, so cautious. i cannot stand hurting or being hurt. i cannot stand the bullshit, the selfishness, the illusions. i cannot stand having to see my worst image reflected in those who need to feel better about themselves via using others. i cannot sleep at night if i become one of those people.

good person

ok, so i finally hooked up with someone. first time since my ex, first time in 4 months. that is twice as long as the last time i went that long without sex while not being in a (long-distance) relationship. i didn't feel much of anything. it was fun, but i'm not feeling anything more for this guy than friendship. i wanted him gone in the morning, because i knew he liked me. i just wanted sex. god, i feel like an asshole. i shouldn't had lead him on like that.

anyway, now i have the feeling that i hurt him and he doesn't want to talk to me again. what is really bothering me about all of this is this is reminding me of how ____ treated me. but this is after 2 dates, not 2 years. i fucking hate him.

anyway, no more hooking up with guys that really like me unless i really like them. no more dates after that moment i realize i will never feel a spark. i am the kind of person that will not do the right thing by a person if i do not feel a spark. i will keep my options open and split at the first sign of a potential spark. fuck. honesty is the only way through all this. and not just telling the other person what is up, because they can and will lie to themselves. it means avoiding them for their own good. otherwise they set themselves up. that is what i did with ___ and he knocked me over (and would have knocked me up). i will not do that to another. i am a good person.

no, not this

argh......... i am so stuck. i'm so unhappy with how things are. i hate this crap i read and hear about loving what you have instead of pining for what you don't. fuck that. i want what i want and i don't want to give up on it. shit, if i am settling for what is, how would i ever get to higher heights? who ever would? as much as i am grateful for those who i grew up with that are still by my side, i do not want to merely stay there and never venture out and try to suceed in more and more.

i know i'm being vauge. i hate being mean. i hate thinking that those i love and care enough are not good enough for me. shit. i thought i felt like writing, but really all i want to do is sleep.........

rejected. whatever.

i went online and found an ad. a personal ad. i cringe as i write this. the same day i was waiting for an answer and getting all excited about the possiblities of the cutest guy out of the ads i saw responding to me, i saw my arch enemy cunt bitch asshole riding beside my bus on her bike with a smile on her lips and her beautiful hair blowing in the breeze. god i fucking hate her. i hate that my ex liked me because i reminded him of her, i hate how she tried to get him back right in front of me. more than once! and i didn't just walk away. i gave him the benefit of the doubt instead of making him prove to me he wanted me and not her. know why? i was afraid of the answer.

now here i am on the bus, barely maintaining my control over sliding hopelessly into oblivion, and that fucking bitch rides by while i don't have a decent bike, much less a car (like she probably does).

i know there are millions of people out there, and she is one of many, but ____ was the man i wanted, the one i wrapped myself up in, and she was the main fucking problem the whole entire time. she was the root of the gigantic weed that sprouted from day one. it grew branches and spit out leaves and sticky, gross flowers that looked like ugly insects. it was poisonious and in my way. it fucked up my whole yard and cracked my cement foundation. fucking cunt. i fucking hate her. i fucking hate what my ex did. i fucking hate that i haven't yet gotten past this.

it is about time that i find a better man, a better goal, a better life. fuck those assholes that kicked me while i was down. i hope they get the same 10 times over from someone they care about that then dumps them after they've been used and abused. they are shit.

oh yeah. the ad... he responded. seemed to really like me. i sent him pictures. no answer yet. funny. if he doesn't respond at all, i was rejected based on my looks, not my personality. and he's not that great. just the best of the fuck ups posting online.

my other involvment (if you can call it that) is a guy that i am 75% older than that reminds me of the ex that i used and lied to. god.

hi, it's me, i'm back

lots and lots and lots going on. i feel better than i have in years. i still feel pretty low often, so i'm not all better, no sir.

i took a trip cross-country and caught some concerts and spent time with my family and drove for many miles and it was fucking fantastic. freedom from so much that had been weighing me down. i didn't have to commute on the mother-fucking bus watching the same bullshit denizens in the same bullshit neighborhoods walking past the same bullshit stores and restuarants. i didn't have to make the daily trek to the neighborhood down the street from where my cock-sucking ex-boyfriend lives and now fucks someone new and improved. i didn't have to see the same faces at work and at home and at the bar that i have been staring at for the past way-too-many years. i didn't have take anything into consideration regarding what the hell to wear on what day other than the weather and my own mother-fucking preference.

i spent time with people who accepted me as i was, without judgment, resentment, or condition. i didn't worry about who i was with or what i was doing, because i needed no justification... it was where i wanted to be and there was no where else i would have choosen at that moment. i had spending money, tasty food, the means of transport, a drink whenever i wanted, and the hillsides and interstates to sooth and inspire me.

anyway, now i'm back in my pit, but it doens't seem so deep anymore. some sludge must have seeped in and hardened, allowing me closer access to the top and more of a chance at getting the hell out of here. in fact, i have a fairly amazing idea for a totally new direction. i'm keeping it under wraps for now, but just having this possibility in my head is making all the inane, annoying, insulting, and derogatory behavior of those around me a bit more tolerable.

more

NO ONE TO TALK TO. I HAVE FRIENDS, AND THEY ARE GOOD FRIENDS. THEY AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, AND IT IS UNLIKELY THAT ANYTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US. I THANKS THE GODS FOR THEM. I AM TRULY HAPPY THAT I HAVE A GREAT FAMILY TO RELY ON AND CONNECT WITH AS WELL. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WHAT WOULD I DO WITH OUT THAT? but I AM SO VERY UPSET THAT THERE ISN'T SOMETHING MORE THAT I CAN GET OUT OF ALL THIS. I SUPPOSE A MAN TO LOVE AND LIVE LIFE WITH WOULD BE NICE, BUT I KNOW THAT WOULD LEAVE ME FEELING FRUSTRATED TOO. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO BE ABLE TO LIKE MYSELF, BUT I DOUBT THAT'S EVER REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'LL ONLY REALLY BE SATISFIED IF I COULD ROAM AND ROAM AND ROAM... GET TO SEE PLACES OTHERS COULD ONLY DREAM OF. GET TO EXPERIECNCE THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS THAT ARE SO VERY FORIEGN THAT EVERYONE I KNOW WOULD SHUDDER WHEN THEY THOUGHT OF WHAT IT WOULD TAKE TO REACH SUCH HEIGHTS. INSTEAD THOUGH, I AM SITTING AT A DESK SURROUNDED BY 3 WALLS ONLY A FOOT IN FRONT OF ME AND TO EITHER SIDE. BEHIND ME EYES BURN HOLES IN MY BACK AND KEEP ME FROM WANTING TO TURN AROUND AND GET OUT, FOR I'LL ONLY HAVE TO RETURN.

SHIT, I ATE A SANDWICH AND NOW MY STOMACH IS BOTHERING ME. YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY IS EATING ME? I CAN'T STAND THAT THERE WAS A MAN I LOVED, AND THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER, IT WAS IN THE SHADOW OF ANOTHER GIRL, ONE SO LIKE ME THAT I WAS SURE THAT I WAS ONLY A SUBSTITUTE FOR HER, AND THAT HE THOUGHT OF HER DURING SEX, DURING EVERYTHING. HE THEN ALSO ENTERTAINED SO MANY OTHER WOMEN IN HIS MIND, IN HIS LIFE. HE SLEPT AT THE HOUSES AND EMAILED WITH THEM AT NIGHT WHILE I SLEPT DREAMING OF HIM. HOW I SUFFERED BECAUSE I JUST COULDN'T LEAVE! HE WAS THE BEST THING I HAD, AND IT WAS TAINTED! NOTHING WAS GOOD THEN, AND IT IS ALLWORSE NOW. I SUPPOSE I COULD BE GLAD THAT I AM IN A POSITION WHERE I AM FREE TO START SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BETTER, BUT NOTHING IS BETTER. IS THAT THE BEST I WAS TO GET? ALL THE MEN I MEET NOW, ALL THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY I DO HAVE... I AM LEFT FEELING ASHAMED THAT I DO NOT LOVE THEM MORE. THEY ARE SO VERY KIND TO ME, AND I AM SO VERY HONEST WITH THEM, BUT DON'T I AND THEY DESERVE MORE?

never

NEVER WILL I WANT ____ AGAIN. however, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT I COULD HAVE A CIVIL INTERACTION WITH HIM ON OCCASION IF HE WERE TO APPROACHE ME HUMBLED, APOLOGETIC, AND THROUGHLY AND CONSISTANTLY REPENTANT. EVEN THEN, I WOULD NOT COMPLETELY TRUST HIM TO BE HONEST WITH ME AT ALL TIMES ABOUT ALL THINGS. SINCE HE IS SOMEONE WHOM I HAVE FELT SO STRONGLY TOWARDS IN BOTH GOOD AND BAD REGARD, THIS LACK OF COMPLETE HONESTY AND TRUST MEANS THAT I would always FEEL LIKE I WAS ON GUARD OF MY VERY DIGNITY, SOUL, AND BELONGINGS WHEN I AM THINKING OF HIM OR IN CONTACT WITH HIM.

NEVER WILL I ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF SOME SORT OF RECONCILIATION WHEREBY HE WERE TO FORSAKE ALL OTHERS AND DECLARE HIS UNDYING DEVOTION TO ME. THE TIME FOR SUCH AN ACT HAS COME AND GONE, NEVER TO APPEAR AGAIN. SOMEONE MAY ENTER INTO MY LIFE, AND THAT MAY BE THE PERSON I WOULD YEARN TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH AND NO OTHER. THERE IS NO WAY ON THIS EARTH THAT ____ COULD BE THAT PERSON NOW AFTER ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED.

JUST AS pertainent, THE CHANCES OF HIM COMING TO ME AND WANTING TO BE WITH ME ON ANY LEVEL WHATSOEVER IS PRACTICALLY NIL. SO WHAT IS LEFT IS THIS: I WILL NEVER WANT HIM, AND HE WILL NEVER WANT ME. IF EITHER HE OR I ARE TO BE IN A FULFILLING, LOVING, LASTING ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, IT WILL NOT BE WITH ONE ANOTHER, IT MUST THEREFORE BE WITH ANOTHER.

sad all over again

i should be happy. i kissed an incredibly cute boy last night and i really liked it. i really wanted to do a lot more than kiss, but he was being coy and then he was being cautious. i know he was attracted to me. i know he was every bit as into it as i was. but i still feel rejected now that i haven't heard from him. i called him today not long after i woke and left him a message. no call back.
there are many possible reasons why he hasn't called. it doesn't mean he's not interested. maybe he is, but there's something in the way. still, i get the feeling that i came on too strong, as if my excitement looked too much like desperation. maybe i'm acutally desperate, and i just think it's excitement.
anyway, i don't really have the right to get upset. i started out last night flirting with another guy who really wanted to hang out that night. at first i said yes, but then when i saw cute boy showed up, i told other guy some other time. he was persistent, so i said i'd call today. i never did. it seemed all right to consider him at the beginning of the night, but after the intensity of the cute boy and after running over in my head how his mouth and hands and body felt for those moments we were making out, i just couldn't settle for less right now.
anyway, i have been completely frustrated all day. i can't focus on work... mostly because i'm sad. i keep thinking about my ex and how he probably doesn't have to worry about being rejected at all these days. it's like he's got a line of women waiting for him. it's so unfair. or at least it seems that way. i had 4 different men last night pining for me. 3 of them i've known for a long time. the other one just that night. but the one i really went for didn't want to come home with me. didn't call me the next day.
i can keep trying to remind myself he may call later in the week, but my gut is telling me to forget about it and my self-loathing is telling me my ex is having sex and laying in bed laughing with and enjoying the new woman he likes so much better than me.
good thing is this: i haven't felt sexually hungry for months. i am now. i just needed a hot guy to look at and go for. i know there's at least one out there, there's bound to be more.

flipping

i have been emailing my ex. i totally have a strong feeling that he's deleting them without reading them, so i am indulging in wild abandon rather than stifling every urge i have to contact him. for a while there, i was going slightly out of my way to try find him at the bus stop, but it felt really gross after a while, and i have since felt less of an urge to do that. so if emailing is a more proper vent, so be that rather than running into him and seeing a horrible look of recognition on his face when i come barreling around the corner and surprising him.

my hope is that if he is reading any of my emails, something inside him will click and let go. he's got this lock on what really happened, like it's in a safe and he'll never let me see it, even though it does belong to me as well. i spent over 2 years with him, and now i don't know what really happened in that time, and i don't know how he really felt about me, and i don't know who he really is. i don't care if the answer is the worst case scenerio... as long as there was a real answer. i just can't believe that all my memories are to be trusted. i know there's a possibility that i should just take everything at face value, but my gut isn't buying it. my hope is that a glimmer of guilt directs him into addmission and repentance. i know he's way too guarded for that to be a reality. he has years and years of fighting the church and his own family in the very same way. he won that battle with them years ago and they are just happy to have him in their lives, lying or no lying.

i couldn't do that. i have a choice of who i spend my love on. they on the other hand couldn't choose their son/brother/cousin/newphew. i couldn't justify looking the other way indefinitely. and now i can't justify letting the truth fall by the wayside. of course, i am going about this in the wrong way. if i were more clever and patient and cunning, i could coax it out of him over time. but my strong emotions flipped the fuck out, and all i can do now is spew, spew, and spew into his inbox and slowing and surely empty all this toxicidity out of my system over time. i want him out of my head just like he is out of my life.

what a huge mistake it was to believe in him. i believed the bullshit. i fooled myself. now i have to undo all these fucking knots i tightened. bastards.

i know what i want

to NOT THINK ABOUT ____

INTERESTING, SMART FRIENDS

to become a better listener

to DRINK less overall

to be BACK IN SCHOOL

a CHALLENGING JOB WITH admirable PEOPLE IN GOOD AREA WITH a DECENT COMMUTE

to PAY OFF ALL CCS

a GREAT ROAD BIKE

a RELIABLE CAR

to CLEAR out the BACKYARD

to PAINT the whole HOUSE

to get in BETTER SHAPE

to go HOME FOR CHRISTMAS every year

to TRAVEL ABROAD

an HONEST BOYFRIEND

GREAT CLOTHing

to TAKE CARE OF my dad's last days and afterlife

good things do happen

whoa. good things do happen to good people. doing the right thing and following one's gut pays off! it's not just the assholes and liars and theives that get what they want. i'm not a sucker! lately, it really has felt like the more i trust and hope, the more i'm fooling myself. but that's not so. it's like this: 1) don't give away one's trust, but rather know there are those in the world deserving of it and save it for them. 2) it's ok to do the right thing. the most important consequence is how your conscience feels after the fact. if you get something for nothing, and it costs someone else who doesn't deserve to have to pay, then step up. otherwise, you'll end up paying in the long run in addition to that unfortunate, used soul you fucked over. and don't worry about things not working out if you're honest. you need to be honest no matter what happens in the short run. it takes courage to face the unknown, and it takes humility to deal with outcomes as they are. the reward will be a lesson well learned and future situations well-lived. 3) to get what you want in this life, one need not lower themselves to the level of the sick sociopaths who are capable of cutting off all human emotion. they suffer in ways that you could never dream, so do not envy their shortcomings. their benefits are shallow and will only breed cesspools of more sickness down the line.

so what i want to know is, "if good things do happen to good people, is it ok to still have a part of you that wallows in the enjoyment derived from hoping bad things happen to bad people?"

needy

I AM SO FREAKED OUT WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE BRIDGES I'VE CROSSED AND BURNED:

_______ - I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE AND HE SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH ME. PUTTING ASIDE WHAT I DID WRONG, HE WAS CRUEL TO ME, AND IT IS BETTER TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM FOR MY SAKE AS WELL AS HIS. HE PROBABLY HAS A GOOD LIFE, AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO HAVE THE SAME.

___ - I SHOULDN'T HAD GOTTEN INVOLVED WITH HIM. I WAS REALLY HORRIBLE IN SO MANY WAYS, BUT I ALSO DID A LOT TO PROTECT HIM FROM FUTHER INJURY, SO I AM NOT COMPLETELY EVIL. ALL THAT I DID WRONG IS DONE AND GONE, AND ALTHOUGH I AM UPSET THAT HE WON'T TALK WITH ME, I FEEL TO ASHAMED TO TALK WITH HIM. IT'S NOT LIKELY THAT WE CAN BE FRIENDS, BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THAT HE LET ME WALK ALL OVER HIM ONE TOO MANY TIMES. THE COMFORTING FACTOR IN ALL OF THIS IS THAT HE IS PROBABLY HAPPY WITH SOMEONE DESERVING, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, NO LONGER SUBJECT TO MY SELFISHNESS. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES, LEARNED FROM THEM, AND NOW IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON AND RELISH IN MY NEWFOUND INTEGRITY.

_____ - I WAS RUDE AND SELF-CENTERED WHEN IT CAME TO HOW I TREATED HER. I TOOK FOR GRANTED THAT HER GOOD FORTUNE IN CERTAIN AREAS MEANT THAT SHE COULD, OR SHOULD, TAKE ON MORE HASSLE THAN SHE DESERVED. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS UNREALISTIC AND UNCOMMUNICATIVE AND VERY ANGRY. WE DID SHARE A BOND BASED ON POSSIBILITIES IN THE BEGINNING, BUT THEN DRIFTED APART. I DON'T MISS HER MUCH, I MOSTLY REGRET HAVING BEEN MEAN AND MISGUIDED IN MY ATTEMPS TO BE A HALF-ASSED FRIEND. NOW I KNOW THAT I WAS TOO NEEDY AND IN ADDITION, I SEE THAT WHEN SHE WAS ENTERING A BAD SPOT IN HER LIFE, I HELD ONTO WHAT WAS WITH HER RATHER THAN SEEING WHAT WAS. I DO FEEL LIKE I DID QUITE A LOT IN THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS TO BLAME, BUT I DO KNOW THAT SHE IS DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH, AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE WAS ATTEMPTING TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL. IT'S OK WE DRIFTED, IT'S OK WE'RE NOT IN TOUCH, I JUST REGRET LEAVING A MEAN 'BREAK UP' MESSAGE, AND NOT REELING MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW I WAS STARTING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER.

_______ - IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WITH HER, AND IT IS STILL TOO FRESH TO REALLY FIGURE OUT IF IT COULD BE DIFFERENT (BETTER) AT THIS POINT. ON THE ONE HAND, I TRIED TO BE PAITENT AND COMMUNICATIVE BUT SHE WASN'T RECEPTIVE. ON THE OTHER, I WOULD INTERJECT TOO MUCH AND I DID LOSE MY PATIENCE AND LASH OUT AT TIMES. HER AND I ARE ONLY ADDING TO ONE ANOTHER'S NEGATIVITY RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S GOOD TO BE FREE OF OBLIGATION TO HER. HOWEVER, I HATE TO THINK SHE IS AVOIDING ME NOW OUT OF ANGER, SHAME, OR WHAT HAVE YOU. AT THE SAME TIME, SHE WAS TOO CLINGY AND NEEDY, AND I NEVER AGREED TO THAT INTENSE OF A RELATIONSHIP.

____ - THAT WAS A MISTAKE FROM THE BEGINNING. I KNEW HE WAS SHADY, SELFISH, DISHONEST. I KNEW I WAS CLINGY AND NEEDY AND I THOUGHT I COULD WEIGH EVERYTHING SO IT BALANCED. WHEN I FIRST BROKE UP WITH HIM, I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT IN A WAY SO I COULD HAVE STUCK WITH IT, BECAUSE SINCE THEN, NOTHING EVER FELT LASTING OR SAFE. THE PROBLEM WAS I KNEW I COULDN'T HANDLE LOOSING HIM, AND I KNEW I WOULD RESORT TO ANYTHING AT ALL TO KNOW I DID ALL I COULD. INSTEAD, I SHOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR MY RIGHTS AND NOT SUBJECTED MYSELF TO FURTHER HUMILATION. HE DID TO ME EXACTLY WHAT _______ DID, AND THE COMMONALITY IS THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO SET MYSELF UP BOTH TIMES. I SHOULD HAVE REELED MYSELF IN WHEN I SAW MYSELF GETTING JEALOUS AND NEEDY. IF I AM STRESSED TOO MUCH, THERE ARE CHANGES THAT I NEED TO MAKE, RATHER THAN DEMANDING THEY MAKE THE CHANGES. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT I WOULD NOT WIN WITH ____, AND LEFT HIM BEFORE HE INEVITABLY LEFT ME. HOWEVER, I DON'T FEEL TOO BAD FOR NOT HAVING DONE SO, BECAUSE I ONLY FEEL THIS CERTAINY IN HINDSIGHT. I HAD FALSE HOPE THEN, BUT AT LEAST I HAD HOPE. I KNOW I TRIED, AND THAT I WAS LIED TO IN THE END. ALL THE SELF DELUDING I IMPOSED ON MYSELF IF NOTHING ELSE TAUGHT ME TO NEVER FOOL MYSELF AGAIN THAT A MAN LOVES ME UNLESS HE SHOWS ME HE DOES. NO MORE EXCUSES FOR THEIR FRAIL VULNERABITIES AND PERSONALITY DISORDERS. IF I NEED SOMEONE THAT IS THAT SICK, I NEED THEM TO BE IN TREATMENT, OTHERWISE I NEED THEM OUT OF MY LIFE UNTIL THEY ARE.

I LET PEOPLE CHEAT ON ME, LIE TO ME, BECAUSE I DID SO TO ____ BACK IN THE DAY WITH ____ , BECAUSE I WAS SO SURE GUYS DIDN'T REALLY WANT ME THAT I'D LATCH ON TO NEW ONES, THEN THOSE SAME GUYS THAT DITCHED ME LATER BLAMED ME TO SLEEPING AROUND... AND I BELIEVED IT! MY GUILT ALLOWED ME TO BE SO VULNERABLE. LATER, I LET _____ TO WHATEVER BECAUSE OF ALL THE WORK AND ALL THE YA... EVER SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN BENDING OVER BACKWARDS TO PLEASE MEAN GUYS WHO USE ME, AND I AM MEAN TO NICE GUYS WHO I RESENT FOR NOT BEING CLEVER ENOUGH TO FIGURE ME OUT.

THIS IS WHY I AM SINGLE NOW. THIS IS WHY I NO LONGER HAVE A BEST FRIEND. I AM REBUILDING HONESTLY AND PAINSTAKINGLY FROM THE BOTTOM UP. I WILL NO LONGER ALLOW ANYTHING OF VALUE BE BLOWN AWAY IN A WHIRLWIND OF MY DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS. I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE CONDITIONS THAT ARE RIPE FOR CREATING SUCH MALSTREOMS ANYMORE.